


This is Called Falling

by Cartopathy



Series: Surrounding Those Million Stars [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Finn has PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Like, M/M, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Emotional Abuse, Slow Burn, and some different dialogue, and the same order of events, but the same story, post TIE fighter escape crash, some mild leia/han fluff, with some different staging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5783371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartopathy/pseuds/Cartopathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe stood and he walked, remembering suddenly his only friend on the planet was gone and there was little hope of finding a town, much less hospitality.</p><p>And yet he walked in hope. </p><p>There was a stormtrooper—he needed to find the stormtrooper.<br/>________________________________</p><p>“Was Poe important to you? You were close in the Resistance?” Rey asked.</p><p>Finn cleared his throat. “Yes, because I’m in the Resistance and he was in the Resistance so we've known each other for a while. He was important to me, yes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was dark and there was cold and there was pain. Of course seeing didn’t matter—Poe wasn’t even sure his eyes were open yet—and the cold could be from loss of blood, but the pain—that was what mattered most. Pain was his entire world, his head splitting, his neck on fire radiating in pulses down his arm. He reached to his legs and felt blood and it was cold and cold was suddenly all there was. An aching wind burned against his face, his hand, his wound and he could feel it blowing shards into the wound and again it was all pain.

He opened his eyes.

All he could see directly above him were stars in the blackness. He turned his head slowly to the left, away from his aching arm and could see an uneven horizon of pure black hiding the stars. It was Jakku.

_Jakku. He’d retrieved the map. There were storm troopers. There was a slaughter of villagers._

He shivered. Felt a breeze on his arm. _Where was his jacket?_

Consciousness slipped away again.

 

There was dark and there was cold and there was pain and there was the memory that this had happened once before. A memory of Jakku and villagers.

But Poe couldn’t remember why he was lying in the dunes in the silence.

He couldn’t remember why he felt such a pressing hope inside him when all objective evidence pointed toward his demise. It was something to do with freedom. _It was something to do with—_

He reached his left hand to his face and rubbed his forehead.

_—something to do with stormtroopers._

 

He didn’t move until he woke again in the light, when the desert felt like an oven and his limbs felt capable of movement, and he knew if he didn’t move he’d burn in the Jakku sun.

His thigh was covered in a damp scab. Cold blood from earlier in the night had crusted across his leg. The skin beneath was red and swollen. He could feel an urgent itching beneath the pain.

He stood and he walked, remembering suddenly his only friend on the planet was gone and there was little hope of finding a town, much less hospitality.

And yet he walked in hope.

_There was a stormtrooper—he needed to find the stormtrooper._

 

It was 48 hours without shade, without water. The nights were so cold Poe shook for hours. The days were so hot he had sweat every ounce of moisture in his body. His bones were aching and his head throbbed and his leg got more and more swollen each hour.

There were times when the sun hit a distant dune so bright he saw only white. _Stormtrooper?_ But it never was.

So many silent hours alone he had wracked his brain. There had been the attack, and there were stormtroopers. They had shot the villagers. But, there had been one who stopped and watched his fellow fall to their death. The one with the blood on his helmet—could that be why he felt so compelled to find a stormtrooper?

Memories had started piecing themselves together more thoroughly. He remembered being captured and a stormtrooper escorting him down the base corridors with a blaster pointed at him.

He remembered just enough to know he was forgetting a lot.

But after two days in the desert, he felt himself slipping in the sand, his body giving way beneath all the strain. There was sleep again, or something like it.

 

***

 

Finn was sat by Rey on the Millennium Falcon, BB-8 whirring in circles while Chewy laughed. Han was stood around the corner, pulling wires out of the wall, or putting wires in, Finn couldn’t quite tell.

“Why did you take his jacket?” Rey asked.

Finn stammered. “Poe’s?” He looked down at the tan jacket on his arms and stomach.

“Was he _important_ to you? You were close in the Resistance?”

Finn cleared his throat. “Yes, because I’m in the Resistance and he was in the Resistance so we've known each other for a while. He was important to me, yes.”

Rey gave a knowing smile.

Finn was flustered. “I mean, he saved my life.”

“But you saved his, too.”

“Why does it matter?” Finn asked.

“I mean, you save his life, he saves yours and then he dies and you’re like, ‘great jacket though, keeping that.’ ”

“You’re one to talk. You’re the scavenger.”

Rey stared at him. “I scavenge so I can buy food. You put on a coat in a desert.”

Finn cleared his throat. “I don’t know.” He waved his arms in defeat. Everything he wanted to say, he couldn’t: _It’s like the first time I did anything brave was getting him out of there. I fought, really fought, for the first time—for something. For freedom. For not slaughtering innocent villagers._ But if he said all that, Rey would know he wasn’t with the Resistance. “I don’t know.”

“Dammit!” Han yelled, metal clanking against the ground.

Chewy groaned back at him.

Finn’s thought’s kept spinning in his mind. _Running the gun in that TIE wasn’t like firing a blaster on Jakku. It felt like I was actually accomplishing something._

He stammered for a second. “It felt like I needed him in order to…. In order to be brave. In order to come out alive.”

“Didn’t work out so well for him, though,” Rey said.

BB-8 stopped whirring and beeped angrily at her. She mouthed ‘sorry’ back.

Finn didn’t notice and had kept talking. “These aren’t really the things you think through when you’ve crash landed on a junk yard planet, are they?

“It just felt right. It felt like I needed his jacket, like I need to remember him.”

Rey laughed. “ ‘Why does it matter?’ ”

Finn shot her a quizzical look.

“That’s what you said, you said, ‘Why does it matter?’ But it does, doesn’t it?”

Finn looked toward the ceiling, pursing his lips. “OK, but why does it matter to _you_ , though?”

“Just trying to get the lay of the land.”

He furrowed his brow.

Rey stood and walked away, and BB-8 followed, beeping.

“No, I don’t think he knew what I meant, either,” Rey responded before disappearing down a distant corridor.

Finn looked down at the jacket as though it held a clue to her meaning. He grabbed each lapel and pulled it tight around him. He didn’t know what had driven him to keep it, but really he just wanted it close like this. He wanted to remember Poe. He wanted to remember the man who gave him a name—and a new life.

Han leaned around the corner. “Look kid. If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll blast you to the Outer Rim. I don’t know what they teach you about the facts of life wherever you come from, but sometimes you don’t realize you’ve fallen for someone till you look back on the memories.”

“Fallen for? What does that mean?”

Han sighed. “Forget it.”

“What does falling have to do with my jacket?”

Han raised his eyebrows. “ _Your_ jacket, huh?” He shook his head and muttered, “idiot” under his breath.

Finn cocked his head. “ _His_ jacket.” As he said it, he felt the blood drain from his face, his shoulders, arms, chest. He felt dizzy. The feeling provided an intuition about _falling_ —it had to be one of those things forbidden to Stormtroopers. “I don’t,” he stammered. “I don’t think…”

“I don’t care whether you think or not, but if you do, don’t do it out loud. You start telling me about your feelings I’ll stick you on a pod to Hoth.”


	2. Chapter 2

Poe woke and felt aching down his spine and felt his leg itching and in pain from swelling. But he was comfortable, neither too hot nor too cold. He was thirsty but his mouth was not dry.

“Ah, you’re awake are you?” He heard a voice.

He opened his eyes and looked around. He was inside a small hut and lying on a table. A young Uthuthma man was pressing a tincture into his wound. “Where am I? How did I get here?”

“I brought you home with me. It’s what scavengers do. I can’t sell, you. Well. I could in the right market. But, a human like you?” He shook his head slowly. “You should have been dead, but look at you? You’re alive. So. I think you’ll be useful.” He set the tincture and swab down and waved his hand over the wound to help it dry.

Poe propped himself up on his elbows, and he could see bright orange sunlight falling through the doorway. “You mean I belong to you now.”

The Uthuthma grabbed some strips of cloth and laid them across the wound. “It’s what I do. I find junk out in the desert. I bring it to town, spiff it up, and either sell it or keep it.” When they were all lined up, he pressed them down and they fused with Poe’s skin.

Poe took in a sharp breath when the bandage fused and sent pain shooting down his leg. “Great,” he said.

“Isn’t it? I’ve always wanted a human.”

Poe stared down at his leg. It would be hard to complain too much considering how much better it looked. Considering there was a canister of water beside him. Considering he wasn’t dead.

“What’s your name?” Poe asked.

“Now, now. Don’t be familiar. You may call me Master.”

Poe fought the urge to roll his eyes. He did sigh, though. “Thank you, _Master_ , for helping me.” He lifted the canister of water and took a swig.

“Won’t be long now before we can head back out there. There’s a bunch of X-Wings up north, and I don’t know what any of the parts do, really. Imperial walkers are more my specialty. You know anything about X-Wings?”

Poe laughed. “Everything.”

“Everything? What, are you a Resistance Pilot? Lost out in the desert?” He laughed. “Rumor has it that a TIE fighter crashed out there recently. That’s our best bet for your origins, but how does a Resistance Pilot get a TIE? He doesn’t, that’s how. Plus I heard of Stormtroopers—not in this town mind, but out and about on Jakku. Jakku! Stormtroopers! First Order are after something, and you’re in on it.”

_The map_ , Poe remembered. _They’re after the map._ Poe clenched his teeth, suddenly remembering what it felt like when Kylo Ren was inside his head, seeing his thoughts, taking information about BB-8 and the map.

“I might know a thing or two about that,” Poe said. “But if you really think I’m with the First Order, you wouldn’t have tried to keep me.” He took another swig of water and set it on the table next to him.

“Why not?” The Uthuthma walked over to a kitchen area and pressed a button. Water boiled in a tin. “You don’t have any tracking devices on you. No other tech. No star ship. They’ll never find you, and I get the great pleasure of torturing a First Order Officer.”

This time Poe did roll his eyes. “You must not know much about the First Order.”

“Evil bastards is what.” He poured bread mix into the water. It congealed and rose. “I spend all day every day inside their killing machines. Empire killing machines, just like the ones they’ve rebuilt. You learn a thing or two about someone from the weapons they design.” He walked back to Poe and handed him the roll.

Poe took it from him. “Right, but they’re all about order. You know, First _Order_.” He stuffed half the roll in his mouth and chewed for a minute. He continued talking with his mouth still full. “They’re very organized. Very prim. Very…very _not me.”_ He swallowed.

The Uthuthma had a look of mild disgust on his face. “How would you know that if you aren’t one of them?” He was back at the stove making another roll.

Poe shrugged. “Resistance Pilot.”

“Prove it.” He sat down at ate his own meal.

“OK,” Poe said, wiping his face of crumbs. “If I can make one of those X-Wings fly, it’ll show you how well I know it. And then I can show you how well I fly it.”

“Why would I want you flying a spaceship? There’d be nothing to keep you here.”

“What pleasure would you get out of torturing a Resistance Pilot anyway?”

The Uthuthma considered. “OK. You get an X-Wing to fly, you keep it, take it away from here. You fail, I get to keep you. And if stormtroopers come looking, I sell you out, tell them you defected from the First Order and let them kill you instead of raiding my stash.” He inclined his head towards a stack of rusted couplings and converters near the back of the hut.

But Poe wasn’t paying attention any more. He managed to mutter, “OK,” but his mind was elsewhere. He dwelled on those words: _Defected from the First Order._ It wasn’t just a stormtrooper he’d been remembering, but one who had defected. One who—if he could just focus, he thought he could remember—was taking him to Kylo Ren but helped him escape instead.

Poe stared at his feet, focusing on the memory of walking down the hallway, and stepping into the small room.

Helped him escape, but, escaped with him. FN-2187. _Finn_. In the TIE fighter. They had escaped together, fought a battle together, the two of them against the First Order, and they’d won. Mostly.

Poe took a deep breath. And at least one of them had made it out alive—maybe two. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth and hoped as hard as he could: maybe two.

 

***

 

Finn stood waiting to board a ship to the Western regions where he could disappear forever. He tried to breathe even, not knowing these men he was going to travel with, to whom he had indentured himself for this freedom. He didn’t know where he would go or what language they would speak or how he would provide for himself. He didn’t know how he would ever by happy, ever be anything more than relieved to be away from the First Order. And then he heard a voice behind him.

“You,” Maz said.

He turned to look at her, fearing that she would see the fear in his eyes. Worried he was transparent. Worried that she had been right about him.

“You are running,” she said, “but everything you fear most lives inside of you.” Her eyes were so small and her words so cutting.

“Look,” he spoke sharply but quietly. “I was a stormtrooper, and I defected. You really think I’ve got anything inside me more terrifying than the fate I’ll meet if the First Order find me?”

“Of course.” Her voice was enigmatic. The skin around her eyes wrinkled. “Being hunted by villains is nothing to discovering you are the villain.”

He swallowed and nodded. “Great. You think I’m a villain.”

“I think it is what you fear most.”

He started whispering intensely. “I was raised to be their minion. Their weapon. Their…their _machine._ And they conditioned empathy out of me. They conditioned everything human out of me. What if I can’t get it back?”

She sighed and shook her head. “You are running away because you already assume you cannot get it back. But in order to have empathy, to have compassion, you must have love. And yet, love is what you are running away from.”

He rolled his eyes, crossed his arms. “You mean Rey.”

“In part. She is an orphan like you. You connect with her. You admire and respect Han Solo. But there is another. Another who has sparked in you a feeling forbidden among the stormtroopers.”

Finn pressed his hands against his jacket. He shook his head. “He’s dead.”

“Then you have no reason to fear what you feel.”

“Yes I do.” He gritted his teeth. “The more I feel, the more it hurts that he’s gone.”

“You are afraid to feel love—to feel romance—because they conditioned you not to. What better way to defy their teachings?”

Finn cleared his throat.

Maz shrugged. She started to walk away, but turned back suddenly. “Oh, and that pain? You will also take that with you when you run away.”

“Dammit Maz. Why do you have to be like this?”

“Like what?”

“All mysterious and wise and shit. Doesn’t it ever get old?”

Maz smiled gently. “I _am_ old.”

A few minutes after she walked away, people started pointing toward the sky, and Finn looked up. There were bright red/pink lines in the distant galaxy, and he knew exactly what it was; the First Order weapon. It made him want to run even more, to flee as quickly as possible and farther than anyone had every been. But it also reminded him that Rey was in danger, and he couldn’t stomach the thought of leaving her now.

 

***

 

It should have been impossible. Three partially scavenged X-Wings sitting in the desert for 30 years, corroding in the heat, cracking in the cold; it shouldn’t have flown, yet there was Poe grazing the sandy landscape with ease and agility.

When he landed, Master stood waiting. “I’m very disappointed. We could have made such a great team.”

Poe held his hand out and they shook.

“So what’s your name, Resistance Pilot?”

Poe shook his head. “If they come asking, it’s better if you don’t have to lie.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Classified.”

Master huffed. “Well. Good to meet you Mr. Resistance Pilot heading to Classified.”

“Thank you.” Poe said.

 

On D’Qar, Poe deplaned to a crowd of cheering pilots. They slowly grew silent, though, as General Organa parted the crowd and approached him.

“I send you to Jakku in our best X-Wing for one simple mission,” she said. “You come back three days late with the worst X-Wing I’ve ever seen. At least tell me the map is safe.”

Poe cleared his throat. “Well.”

She crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows.

“It might be. I gave it to my droid. But then Kylo Ren took me, and…did you know he could read minds?”

Leia’s took a deep breath and cocked her head. “I’m familiar with the ways of the Force.”

Poe shrugged. “Well, we just have to find BB-8 before they do.”

“Oh, we found your droid. You’d better follow me.” She took of walking across the tarmac toward the command center. “Ever heard of Takodana?”

Poe walked beside her. “The planet where Maz Kanata has a cantina for pirates? Why would I know anything about that?” He winked at her.

She suppressed a laugh. “We’ve got eyes and ears down there.”

“Naturally.”

“And there were rumors of the Millennium Falcon.”

“Who stole it this time?”

She smiled. “My husband. He’s down there right now with two young humans and a droid we’re fairly confident is your BB-8.”

Poe shook his head in disbelief. “Only Han Solo could steal the Millennium Falcon _and_ the most coveted map in the universe in one go. Who are the others?”

“A human female dressed in Jakkuvian garb, and a human male in no recognizable style other than a pilot jacket.”

“ _Finn_ ,” Poe whispered.

Leia stopped walking. “You know him?”

Poe stammered. “I may have met him. Maybe it’s someone else.”

Leia looked him up and down. “Where’s your jacket? You’d never part with that. Did you take a holiday on Jakku?”

Poe laughed. “If you call stealing a TIE fighter, freeing a stormtrooper, crashing into a planet and walking through a desert for two days before you get kidnapped a holiday, then yeah. I mean, I’m not one to judge, but it’s not really my cup of tea.”

Leia smiled. “So, he’s a stormtrooper? I thought they didn’t have names.”

“I gave him that, too.”

A Lieutenant ran out from the command center and up to Leia. “Madam General. I’m getting reports that the Hosnian system has been…destroyed.”

Leia took off running with him back to his station, and Poe followed.

“How is that possible?” Poe asked. “An entire _system_ destroyed?”

Leia stared at the report. She swallowed. “I’ve seen it before. Something similar.” She looked up to Poe with grief in her eyes. “I watched Alderaan die. This is the advancement of that same technology, it has to be.” She shook her head. “An entire system.”

“What do we do?” Poe asked.

“There’s nothing we can do for the Hosnian system.” She shook her head. “For the Senate. But we have to destroy that weapon.”

The Lieutenant looked up at her with wide eyes. “How?”

“We’ll figure out how later. First we need that droid and that smuggler.”

Poe crossed his arms. “Maybe we’ll find a stormtrooper who could tell us its weaknesses.”

“Good plan, Poe Dameron,” Leia said. “Gather the fleet and head over there.”

Poe started to jog off to the tarmac, yelling, “I’m taking one of the new X-Wings. I’m not flying that junkyard into possible battle.”


	3. Chapter 3

On their way to Takodana, the X-Wing squadrons received reports of TIE fighters on Takodana.

“Let’s give these guys some company, shall we?” Poe said.

“Copy that, Black Leader,” Snap replied.

They ducked beneath the atmosphere to see the lush blue and green landscape crawling with stormtroopers. Maz’s castle was crumbling, dust billowing toward the sky.

And then the TIE fighters were retreating. Kylo Ren’s command ship lifted and fled. It seemed like surrender, but it was too easy. A pit formed in Poe’s stomach. _They must have captured BB-8._

 

***

 

When Finn finally boarded the Millennium Falcon he was angry that Rey had been captured. That Han had done nothing.

“You didn’t even try to stop him,” Finn yelled. “We have to go get her!”

“Yeah, OK kid, calm down,” Han said.

“But she’s my friend.”

Chewy replied with an exasperated growl.

“OK, fine,” Finn said. “We’ll wait and devise a plan.” He leaned over to BB-8. “They just don’t get it, do they?”

BB-8 rocked back a forth, beeping quickly.

Finn shook his head. “I know, I know.”

 

Finn was so focused on Rey, that when he deplaned on D’Qar he wasn’t paying much attention to his surroundings. BB-8 wheeled past in a fury, nearly knocking him over, and suddenly he looked around, realizing he was at the Resistance base. He watched BB-8 crossing the tarmac and was completely taken off guard by Poe climbing down from one of the X-wings. Seeing him, Finn was overwhelmed with relief from a tension he hadn’t been conscious he was bearing. So he ran. And Poe was running too.

They embraced.

Rey had been the first person Finn ever hugged, and yet that was all it had taken for Finn to adopt it as a greeting; despite all his conditioning, it felt natural to greet Poe in this way.

At least, it felt natural until he was in Poe’s arms, and then it felt very different than standing in Rey’s. Somehow it felt forbidden. Deviant. Terrifying. Thrilling.

On top of all that, what most surprised him about it wasn’t the fact of their arms around each other, but that pilots and fighters and engineers and medics were whirring past without any notice that they stood together. Once with the First Order, Finn had seen an embrace between two stormtroopers, and everyone noticed, stopping what they were doing. The offending pair were eventually carted off to reconditioning; one of them was never seen again.

“You carried out my mission,” Poe said, letting go.

Finn felt sorely the absence of Poe’s body when he did, and he was left with a feeling of longing, and a feeling of excitement. “I didn’t mean to,” he said, and he laughed. Maz was right—this feeling was a worthy rebellion.

Poe laughed as well, then paused. “You’re wearing my jacket.”

Finn remembered Rey asking if it meant Poe was important to him, and he felt immensely self-conscious. “Sorry,” he muttered, starting to take it off.

“No,” Poe said, pressing the back of his hand into Finn’s stomach reassuringly. “Keep it. It suits you.” Poe bit his lip.

Finn’s mind felt scrambled. There was the thrill of Poe showing up alive, but he remembered a more pressing matter had been weighing on his mind. He took a deep breath. _Rey._ “I need your help,” Finn said.

Poe took him to Leia inside the command center. “General, this is Finn. He helped me escape from the First Order.

Leia nodded. “Han told me. That was very brave, what you did, renouncing the first order. Helping Poe. Bringing us the map.” And then she muttered to Poe. “Sure you didn’t take a holiday on Jakku?”

Poe looked Finn up and down and smiled.

Finn’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s a holiday?”

Leia cleared her throat. “Can you tell us the weaknesses of that starkiller? Help us take it down?”

Finn spoke with the certainty of a soldier. “Of course. I know that place inside out.”

“Help us take it out, I’ll have Poe here show you what a holiday is.”

Poe slipped his arm around Finn’s neck and pulled him in tight. “That means you gotta live through this. So maybe stay here where you’re safe, OK? No more of this dying business.”

“You’re one to talk,” Finn said.

 

Resistance forces stood surrounding a projection of the Starkiller base schematic. Finn explained its weaknesses, stepping up behind Poe to point out their target before realizing how close he was, how he could smell Poe and how that startled him. Stormtroopers kept close quarters, of course, but it never made Finn _feel_ before.

Han spoke. “We need someone to go down and take out the shields first.”

“I’ll do it,” Finn said, thinking only of Rey.

“I like this kid,” Han replied.

Finn beamed, until he noticed Poe looking at him from the corner of his eye.

“Sure you should go down there?” Poe said under his breath.

Finn nodded. “I have to get Rey back.”

 

***

 

The fighters scattered to their X-Wings, preparing their ships for flight. But Poe entreated Jessika to ready his ship. “I’ve got to say goodbye to Finn,” he said.

Jessika didn’t answer but smiled knowingly and set to work.

At the Falcon, Finn was wringing his hands, and Poe gripped his shoulders. “You got this, OK.”

Finn flickered a smile.

Poe took a step back. “So.” He paused and bit his lip. “Tell me who this Rey is.”

“She saved my life on Jakku. And possibly a few other times.”

Han and Leia walked up hand in hand, standing near Poe and Finn, saying their own goodbyes.

“Saved your life?” Poe smiled a crooked smile. “By all means, let’s rescue the inimitable Rey. Hear that, General? We’ve got ourselves a rescue mission.”

“You don’t say,” Han said.

Poe cleared hit throat. “Know anyone crazy enough to fly Finn down there, face Kylo Ren in person and bring back the fair damsel Rey?”

Leia smiled. “I know a man crazy enough—” and she looked at Han, “—but can you imagine what I’d do if he ever called _me_ a fair damsel?”

Poe stopped and thought for a second. “I’d literally pay money to watch that.”

“Yeah, pay for my medical care,” Han said. “Blaster wounds are no joke.”

Poe laughed. “What do you think, Finn?”

Finn’s mouth was slightly agape at their familiarity. “I mean, Solo is a legend, but even the stormtroopers know you don’t mess with General Organa.”

Leia smiled and pointed at Finn. “Poe, you keep him.”

Han looked lovingly at Leia and pulled her in for a hug.

 

***

           

Starkiller Base was, for a moment, a small sun—bright fire in the sky—before it burnt out and its shrapnel spread throughout the void of space. The squadrons in their X-Wings were shouting celebration across the comm, but they were experienced soldiers; they knew the victory was not without its sacrifices.

On D’Qar, Poe watched Rey running, tears streaming down her face. Everyone turned.

“I need a medic!” She yelled. “Finn won’t wake up, he won’t wake up.”

A medic ran to meet her.

She grabbed his arms. “He’s on the Falcon. You need to hurry!”

They were running and Poe followed. “What happened?”

“Kylo Ren,” she sobbed. “He knocked me out and when I woke up he was fighting Finn, and Finn’s light saber was across in the snow and he was just losing so badly, and he was so hurt and he won’t wake up.”

Medics carried Finn from the Falcon and placed him aboard medical transport. “Heartbeat!” one yelled, and the transport carried Finn away. Poe followed leaving Rey at the Millennium Falcon.

While he ran, a medical droid read out screenings. “Minimal brain activity. Heart rate 63. Pulse-ox 97. Blood pressure 153/92. No fractures. No damage to the spinal column. Spinal chord unaffected. I’m picking up neural activity throughout the extremities.”

“What the hell does all that mean?” Poe yelled at the droid.

“He’s in a coma, but if he wakes up he’s not likely to have any paralysis.”

“What do you mean, ‘if’?” Poe asked. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

But they were in the med bay and medics transferred Finn to a hover bed and attached wires and needles and bags full of solution, shuffling Poe out of the way and leaving his question unanswered.

Soon he was the other side of the door, watching through a window and Rey approached him.

“Is he OK?” She asked. “Is he going to be OK?”

Poe shook his head and shrugged. “I guess he won’t be paralyzed, but….” He didn’t want to repeat the word ‘if.’ “He’s likely to wake up.”

“Thank you,” Rey said.

Poe smiled. “Thank _you_ ,” he said.

Her tears were still falling. “What for?”

“He told me you saved his life a few times. You’re Rey?”

She nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Yeah. I’m Rey.”

“I’m Poe.” He held his hand out.

“You’re the pilot Finn killed?” She smiled through the tears.

Poe laughed. “BB-8 can be awfully imaginative.”

“He stole your jacket.”

Poe smiled a crooked smile. “Yeah, I told him to keep it.”

Rey crossed her arms. “He told me he saved you from the First Order, so I thought he was with the Resistance. I thought you’d known each other a long time. Flown together. I thought you were….” She stopped and swallowed. “He said he wanted to keep it to remember you by. I assumed you were close. Good friends, maybe more.”

Poe smiled but didn’t look at her.

“I didn’t realize you had only just met each other.”

Poe realized it was a question, and he took a deep breath. “I can’t speak for him.” He could feel Rey’s eyes on him and finally looked up at her. For a second he stammered, then winked, and she blushed.


	4. Chapter 4

In the med bay, there was a bench against the wall where Poe sat down just next to Finn’s unconscious body. “I met Rey,” he said. “She’s gone off to find Luke Skywalker. If she doesn’t become a Jedi, I’m running her Senate campaign.”

Finn was still motionless.

“She said she was a better pilot than me. Obviously we’re going to have to find a way to test our skills. So, you’ll have to wake up for that. Unless you’re planning to root for her, then you’d better stay in a coma.”

They sat in silence for a time, before Poe grew restless.

“OK, look,” he said. “I know I said no more of this dying business, but clearly I needed to be more specific. You need to be alive and also conscious. That shouldn’t _need_ to be stipulated. It does seem obvious, doesn’t it? But here we are.”

A medic entered and smiled at Poe. “He’ll come round,” she said.

“Hear that Finn? You’ll come round. You better. General Organa promised me a holiday.” He cleared his throat, then looked up at the nurse.

 

***

 

Finn couldn’t move. Couldn’t remember where he was, other than somewhere safe. He’d heard Rey’s voice, felt her kiss his forehead. He’d heard the medics and the General. And every day he’d heard Poe’s voice, reminding him to wake up.

He kept thinking he could do it. He just had to open his eyes. If only he could focus, but every time he tried he found himself still in darkness. Still still.

“The General says you could train as a gunner if you want to. I told her how you did in the TIE and she says you’re welcome.”

Finn felt Poe’s hand in his.

“But you gotta wake up.”

Finn wanted to clasp his hand. _I’m trying_ , he thought. _I’m trying._

“What was that?”

He felt his hand now in both of Poe’s hands, squeezed tight. “I’m trying,” he barely whispered. But he could hear his own voice and it woke him further. His eyes opened and he saw Poe’s face leaned over his. The corner of his mouth twitched in a smile and Poe smiled back.

“OK, Finn. Welcome back.” Poe kissed the back of his hand.

“Rey,” he squeaked.

“She’s safe. She’s gone to find Luke Skywalker. That wookie let her fly the Millennium Falcon.” His head was shaking. “Ridiculous. He wouldn’t even let me on board, he just kept growling at me. I told him, ‘I just want to look. This is the best flying machine and I’m the best Resistance Pilot.’ Rey shows up out of nowhere and grimaces and goes ‘Not any more,’ and Chewy laughed at me. Laughed! At _me_!”

Finn smiled. “She’s good, Poe.”

“OK, but better than me? I mean, I know you’re injured and maybe you need a doctor or something since you just woke up from a coma, but this is important. Is she better than me?”

Finn moved his hand and interwove his fingers with Poe’s. “She flew with Han Solo. She co-piloted for him. He asked her to stay on. He’ll never ask you, will he?”

Poe grimaced and shook his head. “You think she’s better than me. This is absurd.” But he just squeezed Finn’s hand and smiled again. “OK, I’m going to get you a medic. And a food. Do you want a food? Is…can…are you allowed to eat?”

Finn shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t even know what planet I’m on.”

 

***

 

When Poe returned with a medic, Finn was asleep.

“No, no, no, he was awake, I swear.”

The medic placed a hand on Poe’s shoulder. “Look.” She held a scanner above Finn. “These squiggly lines that mean nothing to you? They mean he’s sleeping, but not in a coma. When he was in a coma, they were a lot flatter. Some brain activity, but barely. Now, squiggles everywhere. Means it’s not a deep sleep.”

“So, he’s awake, but he’s asleep.”

The medic lowered the scanner. “We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other aren’t we? So call me Dar.”

“Dar? This is Finn.” Poe indicated the body.

Dar raised her eyebrows and smiled. “It’s OK, Poe. I know my patient’s name.”

“Can he have food?” Poe suddenly felt anxious.

“When he’s awake.”

He noticed he was wringing his hands and tried to stop. “Do you know what he likes? What do stormtroopers eat?”

Dar stared for a while. “There will be times, you should know, when I may ask you to leave. Strictly for his health of course.”

“No problem. Whatever you need.” Poe stood still.

Dar waited.

Poe watched, curious why Dar wasn’t doing anything.

Dar sighed. “OK, fine, you can stay for now, if you sit over there and promise to be very quiet.”

Poe nodded and sat beside Finn, watching different scanners print out different reports that meant nothing to him at all. He would have asked, but he was focused on being very quiet.

He was running through menus of what was normally available in the mess. _Meats, too heavy. Breads too much chewing, perhaps. Something the First Order must be familiar with, though. Desserts; there was something they certainly didn’t have on Starkiller base._ “Fruit?” Poe finally said.

“I’m terribly sorry. What?”

Poe stammered. “Can he have fruit? I don’t think they feed them that. He doesn’t know what he’s missing and he might like it.”

Dar took a step back from the machines and looked at Poe. She spoke slowly and clearly. “We’ll start with liquids. Then we’ll move to simple foods. Breads. Crackers. Then if he tolerates that we can have a discussion about fruit, OK?”

Poe nodded. “So, soup?”

“Broth.”

Poe sighed. “He’s going to think we’re as evil as them.”

Dar raised her eyebrows. “He won’t if you feed it to him.” She winked and Poe was startled to feel himself blushing.

 

***

 

Finn woke in the middle of the night. The room was pitch black and he was alone. His heart thumped in his chest. _I’m back on Starkiller. It was all a dream_. He drifted back to sleep.

 

Finn woke in the morning. The room was grey and Poe was sat beside him, head slumped to the side, sleeping. Finn tried to sit up, but felt sharp pain in his shoulder, in his ribs, a burning pain in his back, and he yelled out.

Poe woke with a start. He stood immediately and wrapped his arms around Finn, slowly lowering him back to the bed. “Careful,” he said.

Finn lay still for a few moments, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember everything that had happened. “I fought Kylo Ren with Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber,” he said. His tone was matter of fact, yet still incredulous.

Poe ran a hand across the top of Finn’s head. “You did. I know.”

“I think he won.”

“Next time you’ll win.”

“No, no, there won’t be a next time.” Finn felt a bolt of pain in his back. “No. I prefer the gunner seat in a spaceship. Hand to hand combat is for people like Rey. She’s good at it.” Other memories from Starkiller appeared in his mind. “Also, I think she might secretly be a Jedi?”

“She might be,” Poe said, a generous smile on his face. “No hand to hand combat, though. Sounds like you’re a shit stormtrooper.”

Finn laughed, then grabbed his side in pain. “Not sure I’m much good to the Resistance either.”

“You’re plenty good.” Poe smiled. “Let me help you sit up and I’ll feed you some soup. Broth. It’s boring, but it’s doctor approved. It’s very hot though.”

Finn nodded and Poe helped him sit up, very slowly, and just enough for broth. Poe grabbed the bowl, took a spoonful and blew on it.

“I can blow on my own food, I think,” Finn said. “I can’t do much, but I think I can do that one.”

“Right, sorry.”

Finn blew on the spoon, then opened his mouth and Poe fed him. He swallowed and scrunched up his face.

“Not good?” Poe asked.

“It’s cold.”

Poe looked down at the bowl, lowered the spoon, set it beside him. “Right. That makes sense. I got here a while ago. You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. It was scalding though, I promise.”

“It’s fine cold, I just wasn’t expecting.”

“I can go back to mess and get some hot.”

Finn shook his head, regretting the movement. “I’m too hungry. Just feed me, please.”

Poe smiled. “I like you. You know that.”

Finn laughed again and winced in pain.

 

***

 

Finn heard the door open and lifted his head.

Dar entered.

He rested his head against the bed and closed his eyes.

“OK, Finn. I’ve brought painkillers and we’re going to try walking today.”

He kept his eyes closed.

“I know you’re awake.”

Finn sighed.

Dar helped him sit up and gave him the medication. “Thirty minutes, you’ll be ready to go. I’ll be back then with Dr. Kalonia.” Dar turned to leave.

“Where’s Poe?”

Dar stammered. “Reconnaissance mission. I think.”

The hesitation in her voice struck Finn sharply, and he winced. It was clear if he had any questions, they wouldn’t be answered.

 

Half hour later his legs were shaking as he attempted to put weight on them. Dar and Dr. Kalonia were stood on either side of him, supporting his weight when he couldn’t.

He screwed his face. “Why is it so hard? I didn’t even injure my legs.”

“You suffered trauma. You were in a coma,” Dr. Kalonia explained. “Your brain was threatened and went into safe mode. Your brain controls everything in your body, even your legs, and it’s a very complex organ. Just because you’ve regained consciousness doesn’t mean every part of your brain is back to normal.”

“Besides, you’ve been lying in bed for over two weeks.” Dar said.

They sat him back down on the bed. “We’re just evaluating the kind of therapy you’re going to need.”

“What if I don’t get better?”

“You will. The hard part is already over.” Dr. Kalonia said.

Finn took a deep breath. “Feels like it just started.”

“Well, you don’t remember the hard part. That’s a good thing.”

Dar rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. “I’ll be back tomorrow. Dr. Kalonia and I will come up with a therapy plan. Until then, you rest.”

Finn looked around him, pouted slightly. “Am I even capable of anything else?”

Dar smiled sympathetically. “Poe should be back this evening.”

 

Finn woke that night to the sound of the door again, and Poe carrying a tray of soup and bread.

“Hey Finn!” He smiled. “Brought you some solid food today.”

Finn propped himself up on his elbows, this time without any help. “Where did you go?” 

Poe cleared his throat. “I want you to focus on getting better, not worrying about the Resistance.”

“Don’t.”

Poe set the tray down next to him. “Don’t what.”

“Coddle me. They never did that in the First Order, and I can handle it. I’m used to it.”

Poe sighed.

Finn clenched his teeth.

“There’s rumors.” He held the spoon to Finn’s mouth, and Finn took a sip. “They seem…impossible, but. They exist anyway.”

“Rumors of what?”

Poe cleared his throat. “Survivors.”

“Like me?”

“Well yeah—” Poe squeezed his hand “—but you’re the good guys.”

Finn smiled, then furrowed his brow.

“How about some bread,” Poe said quickly.

Finn sighed while Poe ripped off a small bit and fed it to him.

“How’s that?” Poe said.

“Yeah. Good.” Finn decided not to ask any more questions.

After he finished eating he yawned.

Poe yawned in turn.

“I don’t know why I’m tired. I slept all day.”

Poe rubbed his shoulder. “Dar said I shouldn’t be worried if it takes you a while to get back to normal and that you’d be sleeping a lot.”

“I just slept for two weeks. How is that not enough?”

“She said there’s a lot going on physically. Even though you’re just lying there, your body is doing a lot of work. It’s exhausting.”

“It is exhausting. Being stuck in this room all day every day. Not being strong enough to walk. Having to depend on people I don’t even know to help me survive, help me sit and stand, help me eat.”

“Hey, you know me.”

“Barely.”

“Do you want me to stop coming?”

“No.” Finn sighed. “You’re the first person I knew outside the First Order. The first person in my new life. But, we fought a battle together, crashed, showed up again on the same planet, and now you feed me soup. You and Rey are the only friends I have, or have ever had. Camaraderie was encouraged, but affection was strictly against regulation.”

Poe stared at him for a long moment, and Finn stared back. “OK. You’re all alone in a new world. I’m the person you know most on this entire planet, and that scares you. Because, yeah, for that, you don’t know me that well.”

Finn finally looked away.

“You know, it’d be easier to get to know each other if you weren’t asleep all the damn time.”

Finn reached his arm to Poe’s chest and pushed him—stronger than either expected. “You bastard,” he said, but he was laughing.

Poe smiled a big smile. “I’ll stay till you fall asleep.”

“OK.”

But when Finn woke in the morning, Poe was still there, lying on his side on the bench, sound asleep. Finn didn’t wake him, but watched him sleep. He felt warmth overcome his body and he dozed off again, thinking how nice it would be not to feel so alone.

 

When Dar arrived a bit later, both were still sleeping.

Dar clapped her hands loudly and shouted, “Morning time, lads! Wake up, Finn! Wake up, Poe!”

Finn started, hearing Poe’s name; waking up to Poe earlier had felt comforting, but being caught by someone else with Poe sleeping next to him somehow felt thrilling. Unnerving.

“Ready for exercise?” she asked.

“No,” Finn said.

Poe sat up and grabbed his hand. “Come on. You can do this.”

“Tell you what,” Dar said. “I’ll do each exercise with you, then I’ll show Poe how to do it, so he can help you through it. I’ll do therapy with you a couple times a week, but you’ll have to keep up by yourself in the interims. A lot of these you won’t be able to do on your own at the start, so it’ll be good to have a partner. Sound good?”

“I mean,” Finn looked to Poe, “if you want to that’s fine with me.”

Poe smiled and rubbed his hands together. “I’m in.”

 

When Dar had done the exercises, it had felt clinical. Necessary. Routine.

But that evening, when it was time for a few repetitions and Poe slipped a hand around Finn’s ankle, another on his knee and pressed his leg bent, it felt intimate in a way that terrified Finn. Despite himself, he found himself staring into Poe’s eyes at these moments, his own eyes wide in obvious fear.

Poe never seemed to mind.

“Is it too much?” He would ask. “Do you want to stop?” But he would never say, “Don’t be frightened.”

And even though he was scared, these facts made Finn feel safe enough to let Poe touch him. Poe made it perfectly clear Finn was in control, and that was never something he’d had in the First Order. His body had never belonged to him before. He’d been kidnapped and trained past exhaustion. He’d been starved and beaten. He’d been placed into battle and told to pull the trigger. And no one had ever asked, “Is it too much? Do you want to stop?” Instead, they were always saying, “Don’t be frightened,” or, “Don’t be upset,” or, “Don’t have compassion.”

They were always saying, “Don’t love.”

 

It was during this first week of therapy when Poe had abandoned his efforts to sleep in his bed. There were strategies to be devised. First Order survivors had to be accounted for. Their regroup had to be discovered. He was up at odd hours consulting with the General about intercepted information.

He spent every spare moment at Finn’s bedside, even if it was only to sleep.

That’s where he was when vital information on the location of the Finalizer came through.

Leia entered, speaking intensely. “Poe, we need you now. They’re uploading coordinates to the fleet. I’ll fill you in on the plan while you’re in flight.”

Poe was on his feet in no time, and Finn was sat upright, fear pounding through his veins. He wanted to say, “Don’t go,” but he knew he couldn’t.

Poe walked toward the door, but Leia turned him around and shoved him toward Finn. Finn reached his arms out and pulled him in for a hug. “Come back,” Finn said.

Poe kissed him on the cheek, then pressed his forehead to Finn’s. “Of course I’m coming back.”

Finn started taking off his jacket. “Wear it,” he said, handing it to Poe.

Poe smiled and nodded, pulling it on. “OK, Finn. And you keep walking.”

There was nothing Finn could do but to watch him leave.

He didn’t sleep the rest of that night.


	5. Chapter 5

It felt so good for Poe to be back among the stars, in the black, the feel of the X-Wing responding to his every touch. It wasn’t long now until the fleet would arrive at the moon where the Finalizer was hiding. Intercepted transmissions indicated its fleet was diminished, its integrity greatly compromised. The fleet of X-Wings were given tactical positions to focus their fire and ensure maximum damage.

They made a swift pass, hitting their first series of targets successfully, and the Star Destroyer didn’t put up much of a fight.

“All right,” Poe said. “Let’s go in for round two. You’ve all got your targets. Few more rounds then let’s get home, shall we?”

The fleet responded with shouts and hollers, before diving in for another pass. But this time the main cannons fired from the Finalizer and a fleet of TIE fighters blasted them. Several of the X-Wings were hit, but still flying.

“It’s an ambush!” Poe called. “Pull back!”

The fleet scattered in an array of blasts.

“Back to the rendezvous!”

And one by one the X-Wings disappeared into the distance. Poe pounded his hyperdrive, but nothing happened. TIE fighters were closing in and a red light blinked on his dash. Hyperdrive malfunction. He looked around at the blasts coming directly for him, then eyed the moon below.

“Finn, I’m coming back,” he said, “but not today.” He flew nimbly among the blasts, edging closer and closer to the moon. “Good thing this moon has an atmosphere.” When he reached its edge, he flew in the way of a blast, and felt the moon’s gravity pulling his X-Wing.

The X-Wing was in flames, black and orange, smoke billowing out of its side in a tower. His radar showed the TIE fighters following close, coming in for the final blow and he pulled the ejection and pummeled out the top of his craft that was dangling sideways in the sky. This high in the atmosphere, he could likely get a fair distance between himself and the TIE fleet.

Eventually he lost momentum and began falling more directly toward the moon’s surface, his chute slowing the descent. He mentally gaged his speed against the horizon, estimating how much gravitational pull there was, trying to gauge what kind of free fall he could survive. It wasn’t strong. Not like Jakku, or D’Qar. It was lighter.

He eyed the ground a hundred feet below and took a deep breath. “Finn.” He whispered the name like a prayer, then held his breath. “Fuck!” He tried to calculate the odds. Surviving on a foreign moon under a Star Destroyer until the Resistance could sneak back and retrieve him? Chances weren’t good.

Poe closed his eyes, gripping a knife in his pocket and reach up gathering the cords in a fist. One quick movement with the knife and he was in free fall. Wind felt cold in his hair, on his face. He was moving faster than imagined. But when he looked up, his chute, now light as air, was caught on a gust of wind and pulled into the distance, providing misdirection for the First Order.

The trees he had seen from higher up were taller than he realized, bigger than he’d expected. He brushes against some branches covered in a thick moss and vines that scraped his face and ensnared him, pivoting his body around the branch and dragging his leg against the trunk, opening the almost healed wound from his crash on Jakku.

He wished he’d lost consciousness when he hit the ground, just for relief from the pain radiating from his leg down to his toes and up into his spine.

The terrain was rugged, yet soft. His body was covered in mud, his legs sinking into it slowly. When he crawled it suctioned around his hands. The ground spread out in giant wrinkles over the massive tree roots in all directions. When he pulled himself up, standing, he could see trees for miles into the darkness of the forest. Sunlight trickled between the trunks, lighting the trees in a glowing peridot. He was able to limp into a sheltered area where mud had been flushed out from beneath a tree’s roots.

He looked down at the gash on his leg. The skin was pulled to the side, the muscle exposed. He grimaced. It was easy to cut the leg of his flight suit into strips with his knife, and tie it tight around his thigh. When he was done, the cuffs of Finn’s jacket were caked in mud and clotting blood; he tried to scrape it clean for Finn.

Poe grabbed his headset. “This is Black Leader,” he said. “Hyperdrive malfunction. I’m down, but I’m not out.”

He looked at the stained cuffs and smiled sadly, then pulled the jacket tight around him and waited.

 

***

 

Dar kept her hands up beside Finn while he walked, cane in his hand. They’d nearly made it to the end of the corridor when Rey came bursting through the doorway. Finn didn’t notice her at first, focusing on his walking, but Rey’s eyes immediately lit up.

“You’re awake!” She said.

He stopped walking to look up at her, and seeing Rey, lost his balance. Dar and Rey’s hands quickly leapt to his sides to hold him steady.

“I knew you would be. I knew you’d come back.”

Finn smiled. “You came back, too.”

“It was miserable leaving you in that state. Did they tell you where I went?”

Finn nodded. “It’s OK. They took good care of me.”

“I’m sure, but you didn’t have a friend at your side.”

Finn felt an aching in his chest. “I did. I had Poe.”

“Oh, right. Poe.” She looked Finn up and down. “Where’s his jacket?”

“Sent him off on a mission. I made him take it.”

Rey nodded and swallowed. Deep breath. Her voice was low and conspiratorial: “I think…” She shook her head. “I’ll tell you later.”

Finn widened his eyes. “You can’t just not tell me now.” He lowered his voice. “Did you meet Luke Skywalker? What happened?”

She looked at her feet and smiled slightly. “I can’t tell you everything. I can’t tell you where he is now, where I took him. For now.”

Finn reached up and grabbed her shoulders, Dar at his side to steady him. “You met Luke Skywalker. _The_ Luke Skywalker. And you’re just standing there like, like, nothing’s changed.”

Slowly a smile overcame Rey’s face, crinkling her eyes and she bunched up her shoulders. She shook her head a little and took a deep breath. “Everything that’s happened, all of this since Jakku. It’s too much to process.”

Finn snorted laughter. “I know what you mean.” He was no longer thinking of Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, but Poe sleeping at his bedside.

The sound of X-Wings rattled overhead, and they could see them through the window. Finn breathed a sigh of relief.

“That will be Poe,” Rey said.

Finn turned to Dar. “Can we go out there?”

Dar hesitated. “Better bring the hover chair, just in case.”

Rey grabbed one Dar had set at the end of the corridor in case Finn had needed it for the return to his room. She pushed it slowly, following Finn and Dar to the tarmac.

The pilots were not celebrating, though, and Finn began to grow nervous again.

General Organa had come out to meet them as well. “What happened out there?”

Finn tried to overhear the answer. He heard snippets. Ambush. Rendezvous. He started looking around furiously for Poe, expecting each new X-Wing to carry him, each pilot climbing down from their ship to walk toward him with a large smile.

Finally Rey reached out and nudged Jessika. “Poe on his way?”

She stammered back. “He never showed up at the rendezvous. We couldn’t wait. Don’t think anyone knows yet, if…”

Finn and Rey exchanged a glance before Rey ran across the tarmac to General Organa. Finn turned to Dar, his eyes full of desperation.

And Dar was already awaiting his plea, and stood shaking her head.

“But—” Finn started.

“There is nothing you can do.”

“Bu—”

“Nothing. You cannot help, and worrying is bad for your health.” She pressed him gently in to the hover chair and steered him back to his room. “This crew are the best in the galaxy. If there’s anything they can do, they will do it to bring him home.”

Finn clenched his teeth. “But, Poe’s the best pilot they—.” He stopped himself. “Rey. It has to be Rey.”

Dar sighed. “Try to get some sort of rest, OK?”

“Only if you promise to tell them it has to be Rey.”

Dar smiled. “Promise.”

 

It had been hours and he’d been sat on the edge of his bed, wishing he could pace back and force in a fury. He’d eyed the cane on the bench a few times, but knew he couldn’t walk quickly enough to alleviate his need to pace. He had settled for repeating his exercises, trying to sleep, and wringing his hands and thumping his heels against the side of the bed.

Finally Rey walked through the door.

Finn froze.

“We got a transmission. His Hyperdrive malfunctioned, so he was abandoned there. He’s on the moon, and I’m going to get him. I’ll bring him back.”

Finn nodded.

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “No need to worry.”

“Take me with you,” he said.

Her eyes widened, and she made a plaintive face at him. “They won’t let you.”

“I don’t need to use my legs to run the gunner. Get me in that hover chair and get me on the Falcon and let’s get Poe.”

Rey sighed, her eyebrows still scrunched. “It’s my second official mission for the Resistance. I can’t just ignore their orders.”

Finn cocked his head to the side and pursed his lips. “If you always do what you’re told, you aren’t worthy to fly the Millennium Falcon.”

She took a deep breath and smiled mischievously. She pulled the hover chair closer and helped him into it. “Should you leave a note or something so they don’t think something bad happened to you?”

Finn scoffed. “Dar will know exactly where I am.”

In the corridor, Chewbacca was waiting. He took one look at Finn in the hover chair and laughed, before running down the corridor and yelling furiously.

Rey leaned forward and whispered to Finn. “I barely understand a word he says, but I’m pretty sure he’s creating a diversion.”

“Clever, that Chewy.”

Rey took Finn in the opposite direction, across the tarmac behind all the X-Wings. Chewy was in the distance, trying futilely to communicate with a small group of pilots who had been waiting on the tarmac. It was easy to roll Finn up the ramp into the Falcon. They stared at the ladders up and down to the gunner seats.

“Not sure we thought this through,” Rey said.

Finn stood slowly. “Of course we didn’t think this through, it’s a breakout.” He stood beneath the ladder. “Chewy can help me.”

Rey nodded, slowly at first them more quickly. “I’m going to get my crew,” she said. “Wait here.”

She was walking away when he yelled, “What option do I have?”

He stood waiting, gripping the ladder for support. Soon he heard Chewbacca growling and several sets of footsteps.

Rey appeared with Chewy and two other pilots. “Chewy, can you help Finn up the ladder?”

Chewy groaned and nodded.

“And Finn, this is Jess. This is Snap.”

They all nodded at each other before Chewy lifted Finn partway up the ladder, gripping him beneath the arm for support.

Finn heard Rey run off to the cockpit, then heard Jessika and Snap muttering below.

“I can’t believe we’re lugging Poe’s new toy on a rescue mission,” Snap said. “He can’t even climb a ladder.”

Finn’s heart thumped.

“Oh, calm down, Snap. People will think you’re jealous.”

“Jealous he gets special treatment every time he’s involved in some tryst. Which is always.”

“Just go get in your gunner seat. I’ll take over for Finn on the way back.”

Finn listened from his seat, wondering what a tryst was. Wondering if he was in one. Wondering why Snap had said it with such disdain.

Chewy descended the ladder and made for the cockpit, and Jess stashed his hover chair beneath the floor because climbed up and settling in at the top of the ladder.

Finn blinked at the dash, flipping switches half-heartedly and preparing the gun for combat.

“So.” Jess crossed her arms. “Aren’t you in hospital,” she looked at him skeptically, but it wasn’t a question.

Finn cleared his throat. “Technically speaking.”

“Bet the stormtroopers loved you.”

He didn’t make eye contact.

“You OK?” Jess asked.

He cleared his throat and stammered. “What…” he started, then changed his mind. “Why can’t I fight on the way back?”

Jess laughed. “Really?”

Finn thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, OK, that makes sense.”

The Falcon took off, making its way out of the atmosphere.

“What’s a tryst?” Finn asked.

Jess scoffed, then turned on her comm link. “Ignore Snap. He’s an ungrateful, grumbling lump.”

“Oi,” Snap said.

“You’ve got a fight coming up. You’ve got to get Poe back. Focus on that.”

Fear gripped Finn again, remembering their task, remembering the danger Poe was in. He’s already lost Poe once, but if he lost him again—this time would be worse.

 

This fight, it wasn’t like leaving the First Order. Then he’d been running for his own life. His fear of the First Order kept him moving, gave him the energy to run.

But fearing for Poe’s life was paralyzing.

The flight didn’t start in battle like that other flight, but in peace, climbing up among the stars and passing the planets as they drew lines in the sky on all sides, blurring past in hyperspace.

The Falcon slowed and suddenly they were in the atmosphere of a treed and swampy moon, orbiting slowly.

Rey came over the comm. “We’re opposite the Finalizer’s orbit pattern. Right now we’re invisible to each other. We’ve got about ten minutes till we appear on their radar. Unless they intercept our transmissions to the surface.”

Finn nodded at Jess.

Rey’s voice started again. “Black Leader, this is Solo 1. Come in.”

They waited.

Finn heard silence and the beating of his heart.

The Falcon’s orbit progressed and Rey spoke again. “Black Leader, this is Solo 1. Come in.”

Still silence.

Rey kept trying, and still there was only silence.

Seven minutes passed and nothing. Finn was closing his eyes and counting his breaths. His hands were shaking.

“It’s OK, Finn,” Jess kept saying.

“Black Leader, this is Solo 1. Come in.”

Finn swallowed, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. He reached his hands up to his headset and transferred the frequency to transmit to the surface. “Poe, dammit, it’s Finn. You’d better be alive down there or I’m going to kill you. Now answer the damn call, you bastard!”


	6. Chapter 6

Poe slept in fits, his leg in searing pain giving him dreams of worse fates. He was in a Sarlacc, his leg bitten and bleeding with digestive juices washing over it. His whole body was pain.

He could hear Rey in the darkness. “Black Leader, this is Solo 1. Come in.”

“Rey,” he said. “I’m here. I’m too far gone. Save yourself, if you can.”

She didn’t seem to hear him though. She kept calling out, and he kept yelling back, his words muffled inside the Sarlacc.

Suddenly he heard new words. “Poe, dammit, it’s Finn!”

He startled awake. The moon was still dark, but he was not being digested alive and he remembered he was waiting. Waiting for the Resistance and they were here, had been here, and he had not answered them.

“You’d better be alive down there or I’m going to kill you. Now answer the damn call, you bastard!”

His heart was racing in his ribcage but he couldn’t help smiling, laughing even. “Finn! Finn! I’m here! Come and get me, you bloody invalid!”

 

***

 

Rey shook her head at Finn shouting over the comm, but cheered with her crew when Poe responded. A smile came over her face.

She heard Finn’s voice. “OK, Poe. Tell us where you are. We’re coming in.”

“Transmitting my coordinates,” he said.

Rey saw the dash blinking, the coordinates loading. “We’re coming to get you, Black Leader,” Rey said.

“That you, Solo 1?”

She smiled. “The one and only,” she said.

“Got the whole team coming for me,” Poe said. His voice was full of joy.

Rey’s entire face was wrinkled in a smile until Chewy growled and pointed out the windshield. TIEs were swarming over the horizon like a murder of crows. “It’s go time with those blasters,” she said. She swerved toward the atmosphere ducking beneath clouds and diving toward the ground.

 

***

 

Finn gripped the blaster with both hands. He felt a fire in his chest burning anger and he was able to focus with exacting precision he’d never felt before. He didn’t take time to watch each TIE fall in a fireball once they’d pierced the clouds. He didn’t whoop or holler or shout with joy, only moved from one target to the next. He wouldn’t even remember Jess remarking at his skill in awe or the other crew members clambering on his headset.

When the Falcon landed, Finn left Jess to man the blaster and waited at the top of the ladder. “Chewy, I need some help up here,” he said.

Chewy took ages to arrive and pondered tackling the ladder himself when he heard Poe’s voice yelling for help outside the Falcon. He tried his weight on one of the rungs and felt his knees shaking. He held on tightly and waited.

Chewy growled in disapproval.

“I know, I know,” Finn said. “It was dumb. Just, help me, please.”

But by the time the words were out of his mouth he was on the lower deck and Chewy was running back toward the cockpit and Finn stood at the top of the ramp.

Poe was limping, his feet dragging through the moon’s thick mud, his face covered in sweat and dirt and agony. Finn looked down the ramp where the mud began. He knew his legs weren’t strong enough. He knew it would only delay them further to try. But the waiting was building up a tension beneath his ribs he didn’t think he could bear much longer.

But when the medics returned, Poe wincing between them, Finn breathed again and followed them to where they laid Poe down. There was noise all around, the Falcon had lifted and blasters were firing, the Falcon listing as it took several hits.

Poe was covered in medics tending his wounds, scanning his vital signs. But he elbowed them out of the way and grabbed Finn’s arms, pulling him in for a hug. Finn wrapped his arms tightly around Poe. The feeling of relief caused pain to build up behind his eyes, and he felt anger again because this feeling was unfamiliar, this pressure. The heat on his cheeks was a new sensation where tears tracked toward his jawline and onto Poe’s shoulder. It was something in the past he only understood as grounds for reconditioning, but now felt so natural and so good. He tightened his grip on Poe.

He felt warmth on his ear and realized Poe was whispering, ‘thank you’ over and over, quiet enough that only Finn could hear.

Finn pulled back. “I’d thought…”

“No, I’m here.” Poe didn’t let him finish.

Somehow the medics were in the way again and Finn couldn’t reach Poe. He sat at a short distance, watching them treat Poe’s thigh. With every wince he tried to move closer, until Poe reached his arm out toward Finn and Finn grabbed his hand, letting Poe squeeze as hard as he needed with each daub of antiseptic.

When it was bandaged the medics stepped back and everything was quieter.

“Glad the Hyperdrive on the Falcon is still in working order,” Poe said.

Poe smiled his crooked smile and Finn felt warmth all over. He moved closer to Poe, still holding his hand.

Rey spoke to the whole crew. “We’re headed toward the relay location, then back to the base. The ship survived. Everyone’s accounted for. And we had some of the best shooting I’ve ever seen. Good job out there.”

Jess came over the comm and said. “Son of the best shooting the Resistance has ever seen, especially coming from a stormtrooper from sanitation.”

The skin around Poe’s eyes crinkled as his smile grew. “I’m sure as hell glad you’re not a stormtrooper anymore.”

Finn smiled and moved closer to Poe, not knowing exactly what it was he was doing. He couldn’t have explained why he did it. Not then. He had seen it before, though, and knew it was forbidden—but not among the Resistance. So he didn’t think too much about it when the intuition struck him, he only reached a hand to the side of Poe’s head and leaned forward to press his lips to Poe’s.

He hadn’t known Poe would respond by pulling Finn somehow closer, pressing his lips somehow tighter against Finn’s.

When Finn pulled away, the medics and crew around them were whistling and his face felt hot and he wanted to hide. He whispered to Poe, “Why are they doing that?” His heart pounded in his chest. “Are we in trouble? Will we be sent off….”

Poe laughed and turned off his comm. “No. No. Of course not. They’re doing that cause they’re happy for us.” The Falcon lurched forward, heading back into Hyperspace from the relay location.

“For…For what? That we’re alive, or…”

Poe laughed harder, pulling Finn to lie down next to him. “Happy that we’re happy. Happy that we kissed.”

Jess and Snap walked in and sat down next to the medics. Snap looked at Finn and Poe, then gave Jess a knowing look. Jess elbowed his rib.

Finn’s head was rested on Poe’s shoulder. He could feel his heart beat slowing, quieting. He stammered. “I didn’t know there was a word for that.”

“For kissing?” Poe cleared his throat. “Well. We have all kinds of words, for all kinds of things.”

“Like what?”

Poe coughed, hiding a laugh. “We’ll stick to the basics.” He jostled Finn. “This is called cuddling.” He reached his hand across his body toward Finn, and Finn reached out and took it. “This is called holding hands.” He leaned his head toward Finn, and rubbed his temple against Finn’s forehead. “This is called nuzzling.”

Snap chimed in. “Having this conversation in front of people is called disgusting.”

Jess and the medics couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hey!” Poe retorted. “Saying shit like that to your commanding officer is called making a huge mistake. Just you wait until I can walk properly.”

Finn looked around and everyone was smiling, even Poe. There was something comfortable about it all, even though they were arguing, and he’d never felt more welcome, more _a part of something_ before. He’d never felt like he’d _belonged_.

But when he looked at Snap, suddenly he was full of doubt.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains discussion of past sexual abuse.

Now it was Poe being wheeled away by the medics, Finn limping behind with his cane while Rey pushed his empty hover chair beside him. Finn was breathing hard and wincing with each step.

“Slow down,” Rey said. “You’re going to kill yourself.”

When he looked at Rey his eyes were wide.

“Or, sit,” she said.

And he did and she pushed him toward the med bay.

“So what happened, on the way back?”

“What do you mean?” Finn asked.

Rey cleared her throat. “I heard a bunch of whistling and cheering over the comm and then I heard someone say ‘this conversation is disgusting’ and everyone laughed. None of the others would tell me. They said I’d have to ask your or Poe.”

Finn stammered. “Oh.” He was quiet after that.

“You know what I think,” she said. “I think…” She took a deep breath. “I think he kissed you.”

Finn didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t stop himself smiling.

Rey leaned forward to catch a glimpse of his face. “I knew it!”

“No, no,” he said, “That’s not what happened.”

“You expect me to believe that?” She pinched the tip of his shoulder.

“Well, I kissed him.”

“You did not!” She said. “They teach you about kissing in the stormtroopers?”

“No.” He clenched his teeth. “Well, only to tell you that it’s wrong. But, it happens anyway. You go for reconditioning if you’re found out. They train it out of you. All of it. The wanting people. They can take it away, and they do.”

“That’s awful,” she said.

“I only went when I was younger, at the start. They start everyone at different times, you know, just whenever they need to. It’s called affectation conditioning. It’s different than our loyalty and combat conditioning. Affectation conditioning is terrible. It’s painful. It’s…” he took a breath, “it’s….” He shook his head. “You have to go back if you have feelings for anyone, if you do anything…” he reached up and grabbed her hand. “If you care too much about anyone.”

Rey squeezed his hand.

“I never wanted to go back to conditioning. Ever. So I didn’t. It wasn’t even hard for me to avoid it. I had friends there, but not like you. Definitely not like Poe.”

Rey stopped pushing and bent over to wrap her arms around him. “I’ve never had a friend like you either,” she said. She kissed his temple.

“Is that kissing, too?”

She smiled. “Yeah, but…” she scrunched up her face. “Different kissing. Kissing on the lips, so you’re both kissing each other, that’s not for friends.”

Finn’s eyes fell wide. “But that’s how I kissed Poe. What’s it for, if not for friends?”

Rey giggled. “For. For more than friends?” She asked. “Or, if you are in love with someone, or want to be or you’re falling in love with them?”

“Oh,” Finn said, nodding. “Special affection. That’s a separate offence. There’s undue affection and special affection.”

“So, kissing on the lips is for special affection.”

Finn’s battered again.

“Are you OK?” Rey asked.

“I just hadn’t thought about it in those terms. I’ve never felt either before, so I didn’t think of it. Special affection.” His chest rose and fell several times. “It’s terrifying. It hurts all over. It’s like danger, like something terrible is going to happen and I can’t stop it.”

Rey stood up again. “Maybe we should get you to his side.” She pushed him forward.

“This is what it felt like. When the TIE crashed and I was falling to Jakku, I was so terrified and my stomach was in my throat and I thought everything was going to end when I finally hit the ground. I’m not sure I like special affection. Too much like crash landing.”

“Maybe that’s why it’s called falling in love.”

They continued in silence.

“Hey, Rey?” Finn finally said. “What’s a tryst?”

She didn’t respond right away. “Sounds familiar I guess, but I’m not really sure.”

 

When they got outside of med bay, Dar was standing by the door with her arms crossed. “You snuck out.”

Finn shrugged. “Were you surprised?”

Dar laughed. “I shouldn’t have been.”

Finn shook his head.

“Good news is—well, at least for _your_ health—that Poe is going to have to be monitored for a few days, so I’ll know exactly where you are that entire time. Even got you a room together, as it’ll be the only way to keep tabs on you, and you’re clearly ready for convalescence.”

Finn looked up at Rey, and her eyes were sparkling and she looked as if she were about to laugh.

“And you,” Dar said, pointing to Rey.

Her face fell.

“If I hear of you sneaking anyone else out of here, I’ll have to report you to the General.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” she said, very contrite.

Dar grabbed the wheelchair and pushed Finn to his new room.

Poe was lying on the next bed over, smiling at Finn while a medical droid sewed the gash on his leg closed.

Dar grimaced. “Sorry, Poe, we ran out of synthetic skin after the battle at Starkiller.”

“So I hear,” he said. He turned to Finn. “Hey, Roomie.”

Finn swallowed. “Yeah, hey.”

Rey giggled.

“What are you laughing at?” Poe said.

Rey shook her head. “Nothing. Just. I think Finn’s only just realized, properly.”

Finn reached up and shoved her to the side and she stumbled.

“You leave him alone,” Poe said.

Finn felt warmth all over and looked up at Poe, who was smiling wide, and Finn smiled back.

 

When the medics left, Rey pulled up a chair beside Finn’s bed. She grabbed his hand and smiled at him sadly.

“You’re leaving again, aren’t you,” he said.

She nodded, then looked up at Poe, who had propped himself up on his elbows. “I’ve…It’s complicated.”

Finn smiled at her and squeezed her hand.

“The Force,” she said. “I can feel it.”

Finn propped himself up, startled, and Poe was suddenly sitting on the side of his bed.

Rey was almost whispering. “And he can train me. He said he would. He said…” she took a deep breath. “He said he knows what happened to my family, too.”

“Luke?” Poe said.

“Skywalker?” Finn added.

Rey nodded. “Yeah. Luke Skywalker. So, I have to go. How could I not? If I train…” She gripped Finn’s hand between both of hers. “If I train, then I can come back and help the Resistance better than ever.”

Finn sat up and hugged her. “Rey. That’s great. I’ve never been friends with a Jedi before. I think it’s brilliant.”

Poe grabbed a pair of crutches and walked around to hug Rey as well. “You know it doesn’t count though,” he said, “if you’re a better pilot than me because you can use the Force. You can, you know, _tell_ where things are going to be.”

“Oh please,” she said. “I could beat you any day, Force or no.”

He smiled and mussed her hair. “We’ll just have to see, won’t we?” He stared at her for a moment, then leaned in and kissed her cheek. “When do you leave?”

“Well.” She bit her lip. “I should have left already, but I had to go on a rescue mission for this rubbish pilot who thinks he’s better than me.”

Poe swatted a hand at her and laughed.

“So, I’m leaving tonight.”

Finn reached his arms around her stomach and pulled her close for another hug. She put her hands on his temples and kissed his forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

He let go. “Don’t be sorry.” He smiled again. “Go on, go be a Jedi Knight.”

Her eyes lit up at the words and she was full of energy. “OK. I’m going to. I’m going to go do that.” She kissed Finn on the forehead again, then Poe on the cheek and walked over to the door. “I’ll be back,” she said. “I’m coming back, OK. And when I get back, we’re going to make sure Kylo Ren is gone for sure this time.” She ran out the door and disappeared.

Finn looked up at Poe wide-eyed. “What did she mean he’ll be gone for sure this time? Is he…did he survive?”

Poe cleared his throat and sat down on the bed next to Finn. “Remember when I told you there were rumors?”

Finn blinked. “I guess so.”

“I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to worry, and I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

Finn elbowed him, harder than was congenial.

Poe winced. “What the hell?”

“You should have told me.”

Poe laughed. “No I shouldn’t. You’d just woken up from a coma.”

Finn looked up at him and melted in his smile. “Yeah, OK. Fine.”

Poe put his arm over Finn’s shoulder.

Finn looked down at his own knees and smiled. “What made you think I’d even worry about you, anyway?” He looked up again at Poe.

Poe turned his head, leaning it to the side and bending forward to press kisses to Finn’s neck. “Just a feeling,” he muttered.

Poe’s words were hot on his skin. Lips were warm and soft and sent electric shocks down Finn’s spine. The breath felt wet, moving toward his jaw, then behind his ear. He’d never felt anything like it, this proximity, this longing, this desperation to move closer to someone he was already touching. A sudden flushing sensation washed over Finn and his pants grew tight. He shoved Poe away from him.

Poe stumbled off the edge of the bed, catching himself on his good leg. He held himself up against the edge of the bed and looked intently at Finn. “You OK?”

Finn was gathering bed sheets and pulling them across his lap. His respiration quickened. Fear shone in his eyes, and he could barely look at Poe.

“Oh.” Poe reached his hand toward Finn’s shoulder, then thought better of it. “OK,” he said. “It’s OK. Happens all the time.

Finn fears were burning hot. He rubbed his forehead. “It’s against regulation,” he said through clenched teeth.

Poe’s face contorted, in a look of shame or fear or guilt or pity, Finn couldn’t tell exactly which. “I’m sorry,” he said, and let out a bit of laughter. “ I don’t mean to laugh. It’s not against regulation here. We don’t have regulations about stuff like that, and it just sounds so odd to even….” Catching Finn’s expression, he trailed off.

Finn took a deep breath, slow and steady. “It’s definite grounds for reconditioning.”

All of Poe’s laughter and smile were suddenly gone. “That’s not going to happen to you. You don’t have to do that here.”

“But,” Finn said.

Poe waited.

“You aren’t afraid of it?”

He leaned forward. “Of course not.”

“So. Do you? That’s normal for you. All of what happens _after_ that? They….” He shook his head and breathing quickened again. “They showed us. What people do. And, they said it’s part of….” He closed his eyes, tight, trying to remember what he’d been shown. Trying to forget what had accompanied the images. He looked up at Poe again. “You mean you aren’t afraid of any of that?” Finn wanted Poe to hold him and tell him it was all OK, but he could tell from Poe’s eyes that Poe wasn’t going to touch him unless Finn asked him.

“I’m not afraid,” Poe said.

Finn swallowed. “That’s something you _want_ , then? For special…for this kind of…for me. You expect that for me.”

Poe sat back down on Finn’s bed, leaving a space between them. “Twelve hours ago you didn’t know there was a word for kissing. I don’t have any expectations. I just. I just really like being in the same room as you. I like talking to you and looking at you and hearing your laugh and I like the way you smell and the sound of your voice and the things that you say and the things that you do, like saving my life and fighting for Rey’s and wanting to get away from the First Order. You’re so brave and a little reckless, and those are two of my favorite things. And I can like all of that and enjoy all of that, and all of who you are, without anything else. I won’t even touch you if you don’t want me to.”

“I want you to.” Finn smoothed the blankets right beside him.

Poe moved a bit closer, setting his hand gently on Finn’s shoulder. “You want your jacket back?”

Finn smiled. “Yeah, I really do.”

“Sorry it’s such a mess.”

Finn smiled. “It’s fine. Because you’re fine.”

Poe took it off and draped it over Finn’s shoulder. He ran his hand up Finn’s back, beneath it, and rested his hand between his shoulder blades. “You’ll never _owe_ me,” he said. “That’s not something that will ever be required of you. It’s only something that should ever happen if everyone involved _wants_ it.”

Finn nodded slowly. “When we were little,” he said. Water pooled in the corner of his eyes. “They monitored everything. All of our vital signs. All of our bodies. And when we were little, they would know. They would know. One at a time they would take us away for a new kind of conditioning. Affectation conditioning. And we didn’t know why until it happened to us.”

Poe wiped a tear from Finn’s cheek.

Finn stared back, silent for a few moments.

Poe grabbed his hand and held it between both of his own. “You only tell me what you want to tell me.”

Finn still stared before leaning over to kiss Poe’s cheek. “I want to tell you. It feels weird to want to say it all out loud, but, I do. I want _you_ to know.”

“I’ll listen.” Poe smiled.

“There was this room. And there were all these wires.” Finn shut his eyes tight for a second. “They taped them. They were taped.” He waved his free hand over his lap. “With electrodes. And they showed us images, stills at first, to see what would make it happen, and then moving images, and then they’d push a button or something and it hurt. Like fire. Like….” He shook his head, and clenched his eyes shut. Tears squeezed out. “They said it’s part of special affection. It’s weakness.”

Poe stood, stepping back to look at Finn. Finn looked back through the blur of tears, waiting for Poe to answer. Waiting for anything.

It was several minutes of silence. Poe paced, gripping his jaw, covering his mouth, shaking his head. Fingers in his hair and eyes clenching tight. “How long did they do that for?” He stopped pacing and waited, attentive.

“At first, every day. At the end, once a month. Depends how you progress, but at least 18 months.”

“Fuck,” Poe said. He sat back down and hung his head. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry,” Finn said. Worry nettled his stomach, that Poe wouldn’t enjoy him now. Wouldn’t want to kiss him now.

“Why the fuck are you sorry? They’re the monsters who fucking…. They did this to you.”

Finn wiped his face dry. “Well, they did it to everyone. It’s not like it was just me, just to torture me or something.”

“They’re still monsters.”

“But it happened to all of us. It was normal.”

“It’s not normal.”

“What was it like for you? What’s normal?”

Poe stammered and blinked.

“You don’t have to say, obviously.”

Poe laughed and kissed Finn’s hand. “No, it’s fine. I just never really thought about what it was like cause it just sort of happened. Weird things start happening, I started messing around with it, and found out it’s really pretty great, and, I don’t know.”

“Pretty great?”

Poe smiled. “OK, it’s really great.”

“How?”

Poe stared blankly. “How. Have you never? I mean. Even at night, sleeping.”

Finn clenched his teeth. “I guess. I mean. At first, I felt so guilty cause I liked it, and I thought I was being weak, being evil, but after all of that…You just…It just happens in your sleep and you don’t feel anything. I don’t know if I ever could.”

Poe pulled Finn close and held him tight. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry they did this to you.”

Finn reached up and gripped Poe’s arms and cried.


	8. Chapter 8

When Finn woke he could barely see Poe through the dimness. After a few minutes he could see that his eyes were closed, his breathing slow. He stood slowly, trying to be quiet, and grabbed his cane.

In the hallway, Dar stopped him. “If you’re going to walk, I’m going to watch so I can see if you can be discharged.”

“I’m going to the mess,” he said. “Is it open?”

“Yep, sure is. I’ll follow you.”

Finn proceeded down the corridor, Dar trailing a few steps behind. “So, what happens when you let me out?”

“You’ll have to continue therapy for a few more weeks, maybe months. Can you walk for a bit without the cane?” She reached forward an grabbed it from him.

“I mean, where do I go?”

“Oh,” she said. “You’ll get quarters.”

“So, I’ll get a bunk with a bunch of the others?

Dar scrunched her eyebrows. “No, people have rooms. Roommates.”

“Really?” He stopped walking and looked at her.

She laughed. “Yeah, really.” She smiled at him. “And provisions are usually made for couples.”

“Couples?”

“If you and Poe want a room together, you’ll get one. Spares everyone else the awkwardness of walking in or waiting around. It’s more efficient.”

Finn blinked. “Walking in?”

Dar’s mouth opened slightly. “You know. If….” Her eyebrows rose. “Couples like to do couple things. You know?”

“Oh.” Finn’s pulse throbbed through his body. “Does. Does kissing count?”

“I’m just here for physical therapy. I don’t need to know about what you get up in your sex life unless it’s causing a flare up of pain or immobility.”

Finn stopped walking and braced himself against the wall. His breathing quickened and his field of vision grew black around the edges, but he felt like he couldn’t get enough air. He slid down the wall and grabbed his knees pulling them to his chest.

Dar knelt down beside him. “Are you in any pain? Your legs?”

He shook his head.

“What are you feeling?”

“Dizz…” he said. “Dizzy. I can’t see.” He dropped his head into his hands.

Dar reached a hand out to his wrist. “Just taking your pulse,” she said. Her fingers rested against his skin. She then reached to his chin and held his face up. “Look at me.”

He stared into her eyes.

“Breathe with me,” she said. “In.” She breathed in slowly and Finn followed. “Out.” She said. They breathed liked this for a time.

“Something’s wrong,” Finn said. His eyes were wide.

“Has this every happened to you before?”

Finn closed his eyes and nodded. “When I was younger. Like eleven. But it stopped when I was fourteen.”

“Were you under a lot of stress, then?”

Finn clenched his teeth. “They aren’t very nice people.”

Dar laughed. “Well, you’ll be OK. We’ll get you in with Dr. Kalonia. She can treat you for panic attacks.” She settled herself next to him. “I’ll stay till you feel better.”

He leaned his head back against the wall, closing out the world. Pressure mounted behind his eyes and he clenched them tight. He breathed deep and slowly for several minutes before opening his eyes again.

Dar was still there, silent. She smiled.

He stood up, brushing the coldness of the floor off of his legs.

They hear a yawn before Jesskia appeared around a corner. “Oh, hey,” she said. “Heading to the mess?”

Finn nodded.

“You’re walking really well,” Dar said, flickering a smile. “Should get you discharged in no time.”

Jess and Finn walked off toward the mess. She nudged his arm with her elbow. “You and Poe going to put in for a room together?”

Finn looked up at her, horrified.

“Or, not?” She stammered.

 

It was Finn’s first time in the mess, but it wasn’t too dissimilar to how food was dispersed among the first order. The biggest difference was the lack of rigid scheduling regarding who could eat when and where. Finn was early this morning. There were mostly sanitation workers coming off their night shift, or eating up for their day shift. Finn took a tray of bread and meat patties to a table and Jess sat down beside him.

“So. Poe gonna make it?” She rubbed her eyes.

“Of course. I’ll make sure.”

Her bleary eyes turned bright. “You two are so cute.”

The lingering memory of his panic attack made him tense. He tore off a piece of bread tersely. “Why was Snap mad?”

“Ignore him.”

“No. You have to tell me.” He stared at her and she gave in.

“He’s just angry with Poe about stuff like that. Poe has a bit of a reputation, and Snap thinks people should—” she rolled her eyes “—fall in love.”

“What’s wrong with falling in love?”

“Nothing. But, some people want to fall in love, and some people just want to have some fun. Snap just isn’t very even-handed about it. Not with Poe, anyway. See what I mean?”

“No. I mean, ‘Poe has a bit of a reputation.’ Doesn’t everyone have _some_ kind of reputation? And why can’t Snap have fun and fall in love? Falling in love doesn’t stop you from having free time, right?”

Jessika dropped her fork. “Oh, fuck, you don’t know anything do you?”

Finn waited.

Jess looked around them and continued. “Fun. Having sex with people, but not being a couple with them. Not being in love with them. Just having sex when you feel like it with someone who feels like it. That’s Poe. It’s fun. He likes to have fun. Everyone knows it. That’s what it means he has a reputation. It’s not bad.”

Tremors shuddered down Finn’s arms. “Poe…likes to _have fun_. He doesn’t want to fall in love?” His heart was trying to climb out of his chest.

Jess stammered, poking at her breakfast with her recovered fork. “Fuck. I don’t know. If he wanted to fall in love, he would have by now, right?”

Finn pushed his tray away. “I don’t get it.”

“Look. Poe likes to have fun. Sometimes his fun lasts for a couple of weeks, but never more. Everyone knows that. Snap _knew_ that. That’s how you get your heart broken.”

“By falling in love with Poe?”

Jess looked up at him, chagrined. “Stormtroopers really don’t get around much, do they?”

“Does that mean sex, too? Why does no one on this blasted planet just use the word sex when that’s what they’re talking about. You call it everything else in the world _but_ sex.” He shook his head, exasperated. He swallowed and looked up at her. “And no. Stormtroopers don’t have sex. Ever. And don’t ask about that. Don’t ask about what happens there.”

She took a sip of coffee, then held her cup between both her hands. “Well, then someone should let you know. Poe is Poe. He goes off on wild missions and takes risks and doesn’t do things the way they’re supposed to be done. He just doesn’t have it in him.”

Finn thought back to their conversation the night before. _Brave and a little reckless._

“So, Stormtroopers don’t have experience?”

Finn rolled his eyes at yet another euphemism.

“But, Poe’s a great, great guy to show you the ropes. Get you on your feet and shove you out of the nest. Help you learn to fly on your own, OK? So have fun. Have _lots_ of fun. I’d tell you not to fall in love with him, but everybody does. Just don’t get bitter about it like Snap, OK?”

Finn nodded. The coolness of adrenaline coursing through his chest and down his arms came over him once more and he stared at the table, focusing on breathing. In. Out. Slowly.

People were starting to trickle into the mess more steadily and the chatter rose to a low roar. People set trays down beside Finn and Jess, greeting them, but Finn didn’t answer.

“You OK?” Jess asked, jostling him.

He nodded very slowly. “Tired he said.”

He stood and carried his tray to the sanitation bin, cleaning it carefully with a sympathy he had learned after cleaning so many filthy trays left for him in the past.

He kept reminding himself to breathe, over and over, while he stood in line again, getting soup. Getting crackers. Getting a cup of something he’d never seen before, layered with white cream and a dark syrup.

It was in a daze he carried the tray back to med bay.

The lights were on and Poe was awake.

“Hey.” He smiled a crooked smile.

Finn nodded. He set the tray down next to Poe’s bed.

Poe reached his hand out, resting it on Finn’s shoulder, but Finn jerked away.

“You alright?”

Finn looked him in the eye. _Poe likes to have fun_. “Yeah.” He turned around and switched off the light by the door, leaving enough orange sunrise glow coming through the window for Poe to eat by.

“Sure you’re alright?”

“Didn’t sleep well.” He looked at Poe again. _Provisions are usually made for couples._ He climbed into his bed and curled up tight, pulling the covers snug around him. _Fun is having sex with someone without being a couple._ There was too much adrenaline coursing through his veins to even bother trying to close his eyes and sleep, though. It was fight or flight, and his body forced him to remain vigilant, even if he’d managed to breathe evenly for ten entire minutes.

“Can I lie down with you?” Poe asked.

Finn didn’t reply.

“Something’s wrong. Can you tell me?

Finn swallowed. “I brought you breakfast.” _You and Poe putting in for a room together?_ He counted several breaths. _No. No, we can’t._ He kept counting breaths until his body calmed, the adrenaline subsided and exhaustion gripped his body tight. Then he had no trouble falling back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Finn woke around noon, D’Qar’s sun pouring light across the floor. He stretched and yawned, and then remembered. Remembered the dim interlude between sleeping and sleeping when he had eaten breakfast and spoken with Jess. When he had breathed hard and his heart pounded.

He rolled over. Poe’s bed was empty, and he was relieved that he wouldn’t have to talk to him. And yet. He worried it meant Jess was right, that Poe would leave Finn soon, and Finn wanted him back in the room, now, so that he didn’t have to miss him. So that he could have the luxury of thinking maybe Jess had been wrong.

Finn’s stomach grumbled.

He stretched again and climbed out of bed. His legs felt stiff from over use, from rescuing Poe, from walking to the mess. His body shuddered another stretch when the door opened, and Poe entered.

Finn’s mouth fell open, and he took in a slight breath. Grimaced at Poe.

Poe’s face was brighter than the sunlight. “Feeling better?” He limped over to Finn and clapped him on the shoulder.

Finn stared at the wall, then looked suddenly to Poe and shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

“Dar kind of filled me in.”

Finn was offended, worried, that Dar had talked to Poe, until he remembered Dar didn’t know the half of it.

“I didn’t tell her _anything_ ,” Poe said. “About you. Or why you might have a panic attack.”

Finn looked over Poe’s face. He hated that it was so beautiful to him. “What did she tell you?”

“Just that you were walking to the mess and collapsed. That it wasn’t your legs, it was panic. Which is fine, by the way. I don’t want you to be embarrassed about it. My mom had panic attacks. A lot of soldiers do.”

Finn looked up at the jacket hanging beside his bed. He wanted to pull it over his shoulders, let it hug and hold him. But it had been Poe’s and he wasn’t sure it would be a comfort. “Did she say why?”

“Why what?”

“Why it happened this morning?”

Poe shook his head. “It can happen any time, for no reason at all. She didn’t say anything.”

Finn grabbed the jacket anyway. Pulled it tight. He sat back down on his bed, pulling sheets over his legs. “She said. We could get a room together.”

Poe leaned against the bed.

“Because it’s better for couples so they can have sex.”

Poe rested a hand on Finn’s ankle through the sheet. “We don’t have to do that. I meant every word I said last night. We don’t even have to share. Hell, we don’t’ even have to be a couple.”

Finn blinked furiously, fighting off tears.

“You’re really worried about that?”

“Well, everyone talks about it all the time. They just assume. They assume that’s what couples do, that it’s what everyone wants to do. They call it _fun_ like it’s a game or something, and they have like a million other code words for it so they can talk about it all the time except they’re too afraid to just call it by name and I don’t _get_ it. I don’t _understand_. And I don’t like it. I don’t like that it’s so—” he breathed deep “—so _normal_.”

Poe nodded, giving a weak crooked smiled. “That’s just the culture here. If I could change that for you, I would.”

Finn shook his head. “No you wouldn’t.”

Poe looked perplexed.

“You don’t like couples. You have a _reputation_.”

Poe’s forehead creased. He bit his lip. “So it would seem.” He smiled but Finn didn’t smile back. “What have you heard?”

Finn looked Poe dead in the eye. “You broke Snap’s heart. Cause you didn’t want to be a couple with him.”

Poe’s lips quivered, then his whole face gave way and he nearly doubled over laughing. He rubbed his eyes and covered his mouth and tried to catch his breath.

Finn waited.

“That’s, not true. Not even close.” He laughed some more. “Me and Snap? Oh God, that’s really something.” He noticed Finn’s face and stopped. “It’s cause Snap is mad at me. About. _My reputation_.”

“Yeah, because he fell in love with you even though he knew that’s how you get your heart broken.” Finn swallowed back tears. He muttered, “by falling in love with you.”

Poe took a deep breath. “It wasn’t Snap. It was his cousin.” He flickered a smile. “But it doesn’t really matter who it was, does it. Cause you think I don’t want to be a couple with you. Cause you think I only want to have sex. Cause Snap was right—I could stand to be a little more careful with men’s hearts.”

“He said we were a tryst, or in a tryst or… Tryst? Treist? Terst? I forget the word.”

Poe smiled. “Tryst is right. And, I know why he says that. It’s déjà vu for him, even if he didn’t raise you.”

Finn had too many questions. He just looked at Poe, thinking and saying nothing.

Poe took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a long story. Snap doesn’t have a good history with family. His dad was arrested by the old Galactic Empire and never heard from again. His mom died fighting at Endor. His aunt died during childbirth, and three years later her wife died in a plague that took out almost half the planet.

“He raised himself a lot. Snap did. Dad gone, mom fighting. He knew what it was like to be alone. Plus, Esmet was way too young. Snap was barely old enough to take custody legally, but no one cares about that with trash from Akiva anyway.” Poe’s eyes glinted and Finn caught his sarcasm.

“So Snap was always telling me, if I care for someone I should commit. Especially among fighters. We could lose each other at any moment. And I always said, that’s exactly why I shouldn’t fall in love. Too many feelings, too messy. As if it isn’t already hard enough to say goodbye after every battle.

“It used to be a joke between us, until me and Esmet started sneaking off together.”

Finn pulled the jacket tight around him. “I don’t know Esmet.”

Sadness came over Poe’s face. “Yeah, well you wouldn’t. We said goodbye to him about a year ago. A week after I broke it off with him cause I was scared shitless I was falling for him, and I thought it would be better.”

“Was it?”

“I used to lie awake at night, watching him sleep, thinking I should wake him up and tell him I love him.

“I don’t have regrets. I don’t believe in them. You go through life, you fuck up, you hurt people, you hurt yourself, you miss opportunities, but you learn from it. They’re all part of what it is to be alive. You don’t spend your time thinking about them, wishing them different. That’s just not how I am.

“But I regret never waking him up and telling him.”

A lump sat in Finn’s throat. In part for Poe’s loss, but more for Esmet having his heart broken—a new feeling Finn had just gotten a taste of. For Snap losing his family—an old feeling Finn had known his entire life.

Finn climbed back out of bed and started changing his clothes. “I need to get lunch,” he said.

“I’ll let you go without me. Give you some space.”

Finn pulled on a clean shirt and looked at the jacket, wondering if he should wear it back to the mess, where people would see him in it.

“You know,” Poe said. “A reputation is just a reputation. I mean, sure, I earned it, but this last year. People think what they want to think. They assumed everything’s the same, and I let them because it was better than having them all talk about me going soft or breaking down or worrying about me. I’ve got to lead them into battle, and I need them to follow me.”

Finn picked up the jacket and hung it next to his bed. “You haven’t been _having fun_ since Esmet died?” He looked up at Poe, their eyes connecting.

“I told myself next time I was going to do it right, so I’ve just been waiting for the right guy to come along.” Poe smiled at Finn.

Their eyes were still connected, and Finn blinked several times and then looked away. He was breathing quickly again, but without panic. His mind buzzed with a million thoughts, from this afternoon, from this morning.

He walked toward the door, and pushed it open. He glanced back at Poe. “OK,” he said, and walked away.


	10. Chapter 10

Poe sat in bed, frustrated that his pilots had talked to Finn about him, frustrated that they had said so many true things. Frustrated that he couldn’t just tell them to shut up.

Being in charge meant certain things, and telling his fighters to treat Finn differently than the rest of them would have been crossing a line. If Finn had been anyone else, if he had grown up in the culture of the free peoples of the New Republic, Poe would have wanted them to warn him. Would have wanted them to take him under their wing and treat them like one of the crew. Would have wanted Finn to fit in with them first.

But Finn wasn’t part of that society. Everything the Resistance were fighting for were things Finn had never had. For everyone else, they were trying to preserve the way of life they’d always had.

Even still, it wouldn’t be fair to ask them to treat him differently. Finn would need friends if Poe did happen to flake out on him. In case Poe got shot down like Esmet.

Poe looked up startled when Snap walked in, then smiled at him sadly.

“I hate your job,” Snap said. “Pilots are all gutsy and they’re all rash. Great for flying a fighter. Terrible for keeping them all in line.”

Poe nodded, sympathetic. He couldn’t even keep them from gossiping about him.

“It’s like herding Ewoks.”

Poe laughed. “Self-impressed Ewoks.”

“Now there’s something I’d like to see.”

“How’s morale?”

Snap pulled up a chair. “Well, you’re here holed up with Finn. Amazing what making fun of you does for morale.”

Poe grimaced. “Poor Finn.”

“I know. He has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t help he’s out there getting partial information from a bunch of self-impressed Ewoks.”

Snap smiled. “Well, it’s not like it’s wrong info.”

“I didn’t say it was. It’s just only part of the story.”

“Well, you know where I stand on that.”

“Yeah. In the dark.”

They stared each other down, silent, their eyes boring into each other.

“I didn’t kill him.”

Snap’s eyes fell. “I know the game we’re in. I know that’s not your fault. But he was always saying he wished he could tell you he loved you, but he knew you’d laugh at him.”

Poe felt nauseated. “I wouldn’t have. I loved him, too.”

“Bullshit.”

Poe knew he could explain. Knew he could tell Snap everything he’d told Finn earlier. But there was a distinct possibility Snap wouldn’t believe him, and even if he did, Poe couldn’t open himself up to Snap like that. Not after all their arguments. Not after everything Snap had said to him. He couldn’t tell Snap he’d been right; he didn’t have it in him.

“Esmet deserved so much better than you.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

Snap was taken aback. “Never occurred to me.”

Poe scoffed. “Of course not.”

They eyed each other again.

“You can’t pay a penance to Esmet by being good to Finn.”

“If I were trying to pay penance, I could have picked anyone. There’s hundreds of people at this base. If it were about Esmet, it could have been any of them. You think I _meant_ to meet a stormtrooper?”

“I think you’re an opportunist.”

“Fuck you, Snap. What’s it gonna take. You need me to say the words? You need me to say ‘you were right.’ Need me to say ‘I’m sorry.’ Is that going to help? You want me to bring him back from the dead and tell him how much I loved him and how many times I wanted to tell him and how I was too fucking proud? Too fucking scared? Would that make you happy? Because I don’t think it would. So unless you’re planning to hate me for the rest of our lives, get the fuck over it.”

Snap stood. “Look, I need to debrief you on this morning’s exercises. I’m going to go out there in that hallway and I’m going to try my damnedest not to punch the fucking wall, and then I’m going to come back in five minutes and we’re going to not glare at each other with murderous rage.”

“Yeah, you better do that before I act on it.”

Snap nodded a second then stepped into the hallway.

Poe breathed deep, closing his eyes and refocusing. He looked around the room and noticed the jacket Finn had left behind. He limped across the room and grabbed it, pulling it over his shoulders. It smelled like Finn.

When Snap came back in he sat down. Smiled at Poe. “You just share the jacket?”

Poe smiled. “Yeah, I guess so.”

They eyed each other tentatively.

Snap cleared his throat. “You know I’d follow you into any battle, and I trust your skills and instincts implicitly.”

“You know I rely on your intel and I couldn’t ask for a better right hand.”

“Alright. Good. Let’s talk shop.”

Poe laughed to himself. Snap was the only friend he could do this with, the anger, the pride, the shouting, the derision and the respect. Leading the Resistance was more important to both than anything interpersonal.

It was one of the reasons he so valued Snap, his friendship and his collegiality. It was one of the reasons he revered his opinion, and one of the reasons he hated so much coming under his scrutiny.

***

Finn sat across from Dr. Kalonia, wringing his hands and shifting in his seat.

She smiled kindly. “Dar says you had a panic attack?”

He clenched his teeth. Nodded.

“And you had them before? In the First Order?”

He swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Did they treat you for it?”

Finn’s eyes widened, then his brow furrowed. “They said it was weakness. I just learned to breathe through them quietly.”

“Well, that’s not how we do things here. I can give you medication to take everyday to help cut down on the number of them you have. And I can give you another medication to take during an attack to help you calm down.”

Finn nodded. There was a feeling of relief that people here wanted to help him, but also a feeling of dread, that so many people already knew. A feeling that they would find him too broken to be worth their while. A feeling that an inability to overcome his conditioning in one arena might lead to suspicions he couldn’t overcome his conditioning in other areas, like loyalty. He said “thank you” grimly.

Dr. Kalonia had her head cocked to the side, hands folded in her lap. “What’s going to help most is to talk through some of your triggers. We can explore some of the things that lead to the attacks. Unpacking some of that will help you the most in the long run.”

Finn’s chest tightened.

“Do you know of anything that triggers it?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah.”

Dr. Kalonia waited.

Finn started counting his breaths, slowing them down. “I don’t want to live with Poe.”

Dr. Kalonia listened intently, leaning forward in her chair.

Finn didn’t say anything else.

“Are you saying the thought of living with him caused your panic attack?”

Finn shook his head, then nodded. “It’s because he kissed me. And.” He looked down at his lap. “I really liked it, but that scared me. He said we didn’t have to have sex ever, but then Dar said we could get rooms together so we _could_ have sex and then Jessika said Poe _only_ likes to have sex, and I can’t live with him. I can’t do that.”

Dr. Kalonia leaned back in her chair. “I understand. I understand that the First Order have very strict rules about sexual activity. But we don’t have the same ones. I want you to know what ours are.”

“Do I have to have sex?”

She shook her head. “No. That’s the first one. You only ever have sex if you want to. If someone forces you, they’re dismissed from the Resistance and imprisoned. Sex should only ever happen if everyone involved _wants_ it.”

“That’s what Poe said.”

“Well, he’s right.”

Finn took in a deep breath and sighed.

“I’m glad he told you that. You two are sharing quarters in the convalescence wing?”

Finn nodded.

“So, right now it’s like you’re living together. And you don’t have to have sex. OK? So if you wanted rooms together, you still wouldn’t have to have sex with him.”

“But Dar said—”

“Dar didn’t understand. Most people here want to have sex if they’re attracted to someone. It’s very common, so she made the assumption. But you don’t have to.”

Finn bit his lower lip.

“It sounds to me like most of your anxiety is coming from what people are saying about you and Poe, not from Poe himself. Not from what he says or from what you want. Would you say that’s accurate?”

Finn ran through the past twenty-four hours in his mind. “Yeah.”

“Do you believe Dar and Jessika and the others more than you believe Poe?”

Finn stared at his knees. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried they’re right.”

“Do you have any reason to believe them more than you believe Poe?”

Finn slowly shook his head.

“I think you should trust that instinct.”

Finn nodded.

“Anything else you want to talk about?”

Finn’s mouth fell slightly ajar. “What if he kisses me and…” he indicated his groin.

“He only gets to kiss you if you want him to.”

“I want him to,” Finn said enthusiastically. “But. _That_ scares me. How do I make it not scare me?”

She nodded. “I think the medication will help. It won’t make the fear go away, but it will help you to cope with the fear.

“For the long run, though, for your own well being, regardless of Poe or anyone else, it will be helpful to be more comfortable with the idea of sex. If you’re having a sexual response to physical intimacy, which you are, it seems as though you do have sexual desires and attractions. Those aren’t going to go away.”

“What do I do?”

“Take some time each day to think about sex and try to relax. See how long you can go without panicking. When you start to feel anxious, move on to something else. You should be able to go longer and longer, and maybe even begin to allow yourself to enjoy the experience.”

Finn shifted in his seat.

“And eventually maybe you’ll feel comfortable reading some more about it. Educating yourself before engaging in any activity.”

“That’s going to be awhile.”

“Well, that’s OK. There’s no deadline.”

Finn nodded again.

“Want to know something else?”

Finn sighed. “What else?”

“I’m clearing you for discharge. You can leave med bay and sleep in your own quarters tonight, if you want.”

***

Finn didn’t go directly back to his room in med bay. He wandered the tarmac and found a trail between two small hills that led to a small clearing and he sat there for hours.

It was the first time in his entire life he remembered sitting outside in the sun and enjoying it, enjoying the feeling on his face, enjoying the beauty of the planet he was stationed at. Though there had been a forest on Starkiller, he’d never been allowed to venture out on his own, to sit and contemplate and rest in silence.

Yet he didn’t feel at peace.

If he let Poe live with him, would he ever be able to relax? If he didn’t let Poe live with him, would he ever be able to sleep?

If he disregarded Jess’s warning and allowed himself to fall in love with Poe, was it worth the risk of letting Poe break his heart?

A breeze cooled him and he wished he had his jacket with him. Poe’s jacket.

_I’m not sure it’s worth the risk,_ he thought. _But I think it’s too late for that anyway._


	11. Chapter 11

Finn stood outside the door to his med bay quarters, trying to think what he’d say to Poe when he entered. He thought he was ready, thought he could look at Poe, but when he walked into the room and he saw Poe shivers ran down his spine.

Dar was sat beside Poe, dressing his wound. Poe flashed a bright smile as if he’d forgotten the terms on which they’d left earlier. Finn smiled back, weakly, and Poe must have remembered. He nodded and took a deep breath.

Dar spoke first. “We were just wondering if you were ever coming back.”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

Poe watched Finn, whose mouth was poised for speech, but he was quiet.

“I have to get my things,” Finn said. His eyes and Poe’s locked and then Finn looked immediately away. “Dr. Kalonia said I can go to my private quarters.”

“Yep,” Dar said. “I got that memo. I can show you the way in just a second.” She pressed a final corner of bandaging against Poe’s thigh and collected her tray of dirtied gauze from cleaning out the wound.

She stood and looked between Finn and Poe. “I’ll just go put all this in the biohazard. Back in a few,” she said and left.

Quiet.

Poe seemed to be waiting for Finn to speak. His face was receptive the way Dr. Kalonia’s had been, yet with the warmth of familiarity.

Finn wanted to say out loud every thought he’d had all day. With Rey gone, Poe was his only remotely close friend on the planet and he would have wanted to tell someone, tell a friend and not a doctor. But it was all about Poe, and Finn couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

Finn turned around and collected his only outfit (what he’d worn on Jakku) aside from what he was wearing (Resistance issued shirt and pants). He set it on his bed and looked up at Poe.

“You want your jacket,” Poe said.

Finn clenched his teeth. “Yeah.”

Poe stood and took it off. Finn walked over and took it from him, but he didn’t put it on.

“You OK?” Poe said.

Finn looked at him and he was so close he could have leaned in and kissed him and for a few moments been able to eradicate himself of all other feelings. He nodded. “I….” He wasn’t sure what he was.

Poe’s face inclined slightly. He was emanating an energy and a tension, like a tractor beam, that pulled at Finn. He wondered if Poe knew how much energy he was expending in not kissing Finn. He wondered if Poe could feel the energy Finn was expending in not kissing Poe. “It’s been a long day,” Finn said, and he walked away, sitting on the edge of his bed.

***

Dar came back and Poe watched Finn leave with her, and his chest ached and his shoulders ached and he didn’t know whether to be sad or angry or just confused.

He regretted not kissing Finn, but knew he would have regretted more if he had kissed him.

In the dimming daylight it was easy to imagine a different universe, or a different timeline, one where he had kissed Finn, and Finn had kissed back, and nothing had come between them again for hours.

Even though he enjoyed the fantasy—needed it—drank it like a nectar—there was guilt in his touch because he was able to enjoy himself—enjoy Finn—in a way Finn couldn’t.

***

Finn was alone in his new quarters, with no roommate for at least three more days, and he had never slept alone in his entire life. At least that he could remember, because the time before, the time when he had a family, was long gone.

It was so quiet inside those walls and all Finn had were two outfits, one jacket, a towel and his thoughts.

Se despite having slept until noon, he felt exhausted and only wanted to sleep, hoping for refuge from his mind. He climbed beneath his covers and closed his eyes in the darkness.

All he could see was Poe’s face close to him again, as though he were lying in bed next to him. He had wanted so badly to lean just a bit closer and feel those lips on his again, to breathe Poe in and smell him and taste him and hear him breathing.

This was the dream that followed him through the night, in and out of sleep. It made his pulse quicken, made his neck sweat. He dreamt of touching himself and woke up gasping for air.

He threw off his covers and paced. Filled a glass of water from the bathroom sink and sipped it. After several minutes, with his breathing even, he lay down again in the darkness. He had to catch his breath all over again after reaching his hand around himself. He moved slowly, back and forth, focusing only on his breath and ignoring his quickening pulse, shoving the need to move faster and faster deeper into his mind. He breathed in. He breathed out. His hand moved at its own pace until he spilled over and he could no longer ignore the sensation.

He opened his eyes, staring at the dark ceiling, breathing quickly and his heart pounding in his chest, clawing its way out, and in the distance of his mind he could feel the panic coming and it angered him.

He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower and stood beneath cool water, wiping it from his forehead back. He was yelling at himself in his mind: _This isn’t fair. You aren’t in the First Order anymore. They don’t get to control you like this._ He turned around and let the water run over his face, his hands pressed against the wall of the shower. _You don’t have to shove everything down anymore, pretending it doesn’t exist, that you don’t feel._ His right hand formed a fist and he pounded it against the wall. “I’m in charge now,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m in charge now.”

He stepped out, he dried, he looked in the mirror. _You want to be with Poe,_ “Just go fucking be with Poe. _”_ He pulled on pants and shirt and Poe’s words echoed in his mind again: _Brave and a little reckless._

 

Finn opened the door to Poe’s room in med bay slowly. His eyes were plenty adjusted to the darkness and he could see Poe lying on his side beneath the covers.

When he was beside Poe, he set his hand gently on his shoulder and whispered his name.

Nothing.

“Poe,” he said it again, slightly louder.

Poe startled awake, nearly hitting Finn in the face. “What is it?” he asked, groggily and hurried.

“It’s me, Poe, Finn.”

“Finn?” Poe was startled again and sat up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Finn said. “Nothing’s wrong.”

Quiet. “Why are you here?”

“I want you.”

More quiet.

“OK, so, maybe you’re going to break my heart, but I learned something today and that’s that I’m already all in so if you’re going to break my heart you better do it later than sooner, and it better not be my fault. I could give up on you today and my heart would break, but it would be me breaking my heart and I can really only afford to be so much of an idiot.

“Second of all, I want to kiss the hell out of you, and I know what that means for me physically and I don’t care. It’s worth it. I’ll figure it out and I know I can breathe and I _can,_ I _can_ figure it out because those bastards don’t get to control me from all the way over there behind that swampy ass moon they’re hiding behind. I won’t fucking let them.

“Third of all, I’ve never slept alone in my life and it’s weird being alone and it’s quiet and it makes all sorts of other things loud, like people walking down the hall way and thunking noises in the walls, and I don’t want to sleep there without you in it, so when you get out of here come and live with me.

“And fourth of all—” he stopped and caught his breath. His mind was blank. “I think there was a fourth of all, but I don’t remember, so that’s all of the things for now. OK. I want you. I want to be with you.” He nodded his head, trying to remember everything he’d said. “Yeah.”

Poe didn’t say anything.

Finn shifted. “I mean, I think you should talk,” he said.

He heard Poe laugh. “Yeah. I’ll talk. OK. I think ten seconds ago I was asleep. A lot’s happened since then.”

Poe’s hand gripped Finn’s elbow.

“So you want to kiss the hell out of me?”

“All of the hell all the way out. Gone. No more left.”

Poe laughed again. “Well what are you waiting for?”

Finn reached his hands to Poe shoulders. He moved closer to the bed and pulled Poe closer to him and pressed his lips to Poe’s and breathed him. Soon Poe was standing and they were leaned together against the bed, and Poe’s chest pressed against Finn’s, and there were fingertips against Finn’s scalp and Poe’s jaw was moving against the palm of Finn’s hand.

Poe pulled away first. “Let’s take a break. You can kiss the hell out of me some more tomorrow.”

Finn leaned in for one last kiss.

“You want to stay the night here?” Poe asked.

“You think I’m leaving after that?”

Poe sat back down, pulling covers over his legs. They didn’t need to discuss where in the room Finn would sleep. Poe rolled onto his side facing away from Finn and Finn climbed in after him, resting his face in Poe’s hair and neck.

Poe reached back and grabbed his hand, pulling it around himself and up under his chin where he pressed a kiss to Finn’s knuckles. “Does this mean you want to go on holiday with me?”


	12. Chapter 12

Poe had had difficulty falling asleep that night before, after Finn had left, after he’d imagined sharing his bed with him. As much as he wanted Finn, enjoyed being near him, with him, he thought his silence must be for the best, his implicit rejection of Poe must be for the best.

At least for Finn, which was really all that mattered.

Poe knew he could recover from a broken heart; he’d done it before. Poe knew he could move on to someone else; he’d done it plenty. Poe knew that, for him, finding that electric connection was easy. That was his specialty. That was how he flew and that was how he lived.

As much as he wanted to do things differently this time around, he wasn’t nearly so convinced that that was something he was capable of. He thought maybe he could have risked it, if it had been anyone else. But he didn’t think that was a risk he could take with Finn. Finn mattered too much.

He drifted to sleep, comforted by the thought that Finn rejecting him mean Finn was free. That he was safe.

 

It was the middle of the night and Poe was woken by Finn who was talking so fast and full of anger, but not anger at Poe and not anger at himself. Poe let the words wash over him, wondering if it were real life, if Finn were really here talking, out loud, saying he wanted Poe.

It had been over twenty four hours since Finn had spoken more than three words together, and it had been so disconcerting, so unnerving, so worrying. In the short time Poe had known him, Finn always said exactly what he meant, out loud, in front of anyone who would hear him.

Like now. Like this. Saying everything he meant, everything he’d been holding back, making up for a day of silence.

Poe wanted to make sure, to ask, you really mean what you’re saying? You really awake right now? But he could see the earnestness in Finn’s eyes, hear it in his voice. There was no question that this was really Finn, wide awake and speaking his mind, speaking his heart.

Poe thought a million things to say in response. He wanted to promise he would never break Finn’s heart, wanted to promise he would fall in love with him, that he was all in, too, but he wasn’t ready to promise beyond his abilities, beyond his experience. But he worried it would only scare Finn away, when all Poe wanted in that moment was to draw Finn closer. Because he did want Finn, wanted to be with him, to know him, to care for him with every fiber of him—but what if Esmet had been a fluke? What if he wasn’t able to fall in love again?

He wanted to say he was glad Finn was going to try, physically, was planning to work it through, wasn’t going to let the First Order control him any more. He wanted to say he knew it would be hard for Finn but that he would be there or not be there every step of the way.

He wanted to say he would move in with Finn, right now, that he was ready.

But Finn didn’t need any of it said. And Poe couldn’t have given it words, not partway out of sleep, not with his heart pounding this hard, not with this overwhelming need to press himself against Finn, to press his lips to him, just like he’d needed earlier, except that now he had permission.

“So you want to kiss the hell out of me?”

Finn said, “All of the hell all the way out. Gone. No more left.”

If there had been any remaining question whether this was really Finn, really his desires, really his consciousness talking, it was all gone with that comment. Poe couldn’t help but laugh at the sincerity, the perfect desperation and certainty that perfectly mirrored his own.

 

Poe couldn’t sleep with Finn’s arm around him; he didn’t want to miss it. Even when he drifted off at times, he was still conscious of Finn beside him, holding him. Still conscious that Finn had said he was all in.

That in itself was a wave of shock. A thrill. What did it mean for someone who didn’t understand casual sex to be all in? What did it mean for someone who had never been allowed to love to be all in?

Poe knew it meant he was going to have to be a better person, for Finn’s sake. But he knew that allowing Finn to lie here next to him like this, all night, so close, had meant he’d already failed on that front.

 

When sunrise peeked through the window, Poe rolled onto his back, clearing the brightness from his eyes. Finn shifted with him, holding tighter and resting his head on Poe’s shoulder. Poe rolled his head and kissed Finn’s hair.

“So, what’s a holiday?” Finn asked.

Poe was surprised he was awake.

“And how do you go on one?”

“A holiday is when you aren’t at home and you get to relax somewhere and be happy and enjoy yourself without any responsibilities.”

Finn nuzzled him. “So this is a holiday?”

Poe didn’t think he could delineate the different between this and a holiday. Not when he felt so calm with Finn in his bed. Not when they were both off duty. “I guess.”

When the door opened and Poe looked, he saw Dar and Dr. Kalonia enter.

Dr. Kalonia said, “Finn?”

Finn rolled over quickly, almost falling out of the bed. “Better, ma’am,” he said, answering a question she hadn’t asked.

She laughed. “I would imagine so.”

Dar walked over to the bed. “You have to get out, Finn, I have to show Dr. Kalonia the progress Poe’s leg is making.”

Finn sat up and nodded sadly.

Poe rested his hand on Finn’s back. “I think she just means out of the bed, not out of the room.” Finn looked back at him, and he couldn’t help but reach his hand up to his cheek for a second before he climbed down and leaned against his former bed, watching.

When Dar removed the bandaging, Dr. Kalonia looked at Finn gently and said, “Don’t push yourself too hard.”

Finn nodded. His expression was not one he’d had while learning to walk again, but one he’d worn yesterday, when he was quiet.

Poe didn’t realize he was pondering all of this while looking at Dr. Kalonia; when she looked at Poe he looked away quickly, feeling she somehow knew more about him than she had this time yesterday.

She turned back to Finn. “Do you want to go bring him some breakfast?”

“Yeah,” he said. He looked to Poe before walking out, and Poe smiled at him.

Dar had the bandaging removed and Dr. Kalonia came close and examined the wound. “It looks really, really good,” she said. “No signs of infection. This scab will started coming off soon. Any problems bending your leg?”

Poe shook his head. “It’s good. Just hurts to walk.”

“Well it was a deep gash. That pain is from scar tissue in the muscle, so it’s new, hard material. You’ll get used to it though, and walking will get easier.”

Dr. Kalonia looked at Dar, then over to the door. “I don’t feel like I need to keep you here any more. Typically I’d keep you two more nights, and you’re welcome to stay if you need to work out your rooming situation.”

Poe smiled, understanding that Dr. Kalonia knew more than she was letting on. “It’s OK, I think he’ll just come back tonight if I’m not there.”

“Well, make sure to ask,” she said. She looked him in the eye. “You’re a good man, Poe.”

Poe took a deep breath and clenched his teeth and hoped with all his might that he could be.

 


	13. Chapter 13

When they left for holiday two days later, Poe took Finn the long way to the northern cliffs of the Desa-Qarian coast, crossing the bright ripples of sunlight atop the Qarian Sea to the north east where the Desa River flooded it with a swirl of green against the black-blue ocean. Finn let out gasps, admiring the beauty, shouting at Poe to “Look! Look!” as if Poe weren’t already aware of their surroundings.

Although, to be fair, there were times when Poe was only aware of the energy of Finn’s body strapped in close next to his own, aware of the sound of his voice and the light in his eyes.

“It’s so crazy,” Finn said, “Living on a real life planet that just sort of happened into existence and grew trees and oceans and hills and stuff for no reason, just ‘cause. Just cause it’s here, just to exist and be beautiful and not for the sake of anyone or anything. And we just get to be here. We’re just allowed to fly around it, looking at it all, just ‘cause.”

Poe wished he could grab Finn’s hand and squeeze it tight.

“It’s so crazy,” Finn repeated.

A smile sat wide on Poe’s face. “You think that’s crazy? Hold on,” he said. He flew them higher in the atmosphere, bursting the sound barrier and finally slowing in the clouds above Desa-Qarian cliffs. “Ready?”

“For what?”

Poe laughed, dropping the nose of the craft. “Falling!”

Finn yelled out, part terror, part thrill. The longer they fell, the louder Finn yelled and the more his yells mixed with laughter, rippling like the waves below, mimicking the joy shuddering through Poe’s chest.

It was something Poe had done, letting his craft free-fall from the clouds to the ground, and time after time it retained its thrill although the adrenaline coursing through his veins had diminished over the years as his body learned its lesson: it was not in fact hurtling towards its death. Yet today, falling at terminal velocity felt like the first time, surging throughout his body, setting all his nerves aflame.

As they neared the ocean, Poe navigated them toward a harrowing cliff’s edge and they paralleled it toward the water, its stalwart grey against the sapphire sea, and Poe pulled up at the last minute, leaving a wake behind them on the water.

Finn kept yelling and laughing as they grazed across the bay, slowing to their landing. “That was crazy!” he yelled, and Poe could barely see for smiling.

Poe climbed down to the landing pad first, looking back up for Finn. His eyes were wide in wonder, his breath still heavy. “Poe,” he said. “That was amazing!” Finn had difficulty on the ladder, his legs weak and Poe caught him up in his arms, holding him steady. “That was….” Finn trailed off.

Poe was enraptured of the lightning behind his eyes and pulled him in close, pressing their lips together, parting Finn’s with his tongue and kissing him, hungry, matching his quickened breath, his own legs going weak at the feeling of Finn’s chest pressing into his and releasing again at even intervals.

He had to remind himself not to lift Finn and set him on a rung and press himself between his legs and work his fingers down the back of his pants. It took every fiber of his strength to stand still, leaving space between their hips while he continued kissing and gasping for breath.

Finn pushed him away, his eyes now wide in fear, and Poe stepped back quickly, making sure to break all contact. Finn’s eyes closed and he breathed slow breaths and Poe waited.

Soon his eyes were open again. “It’s OK,” Finn said. “Just don’t touch me for a little bit, OK?”

Poe smiled, laughing at himself that his first instinct was to grab Finn’s hand to reassure him that he wouldn’t touch him. _This is rough,_ he thought, _falling in love without touching._

He blinked into the distance. _Falling in love._

The world felt as though it had suddenly fallen away from beneath him, even his own body abandoning him as the words echoed loud inside his head. _Falling in love._ They had formed without his knowledge, without his intention, simply appearing in his mind as natural as falling had been, as natural as his instinct to grab Finn’s hand. He swallowed, breathing hard, and looked up at Finn as though somehow he could have overheard Poe’s thoughts and seen the secret he’d been keeping from himself.

But Finn was looking at his own feet, breathing slowly, clenching his hands at his sides.

They were both inside their heads fighting their own worries, and Poe wasn’t sure he’d ever felt anything more intimate than this, standing beside each other in silence while each struggled at a puzzle the other couldn’t begin to help them solve with any words. Poe didn’t want the moment to end.

But Finn looked up, startling when his eyes reached Poe’s. His mouth twisted in a smile. “What?” Finn asked.

Poe shrugged, and both their smiles grew in unison. “There’s a small hut up there,” he nodded toward the path, leading through trees and up to the cliff’s edge. “There’s a couch, bed, bit of food.”

Finn nodded. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“The hike might, maybe, make you feel better? Spend some energy?”

The climbed the path, stopping at intervals so Poe could check on Finn, make sure he was feeling alright. But mostly Poe wanted to stop so he could turn around and look at him, look at Finn, see him looking back. It was too long a hike to spend the whole time without the thrill of seeing Finn.

But he was still careful never to touch him. He stood a few feet away, but he was so conscious of the presence of Finn’s feet just down the path from his own. Their arms were well within each other’s reach, yet they hung at their sides.

Poe resigned himself to keep walking, and eventually the reached the top. Poe went inside, unaware that Finn didn’t follow. “Let’s see what in. I thought we could make lunch together,” he said, then looked around for Finn.

Finn was outside, stood at the edge of the cliff.

Poe stepped outside next to him.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Finn said. He looked at Poe. “I didn’t know life could feel like this.”

Poe’s hand felt heavy at his side, his mind conscious of how close Finn’s hand was. He closed his eyes, concentrating on not taking Finn’s hand.

And that’s when Finn’s hand slipped into his, and he breathed relief, opening his eyes to stare at their fingers intertwined, remember the first time they’d kissed, and Finn didn’t know it had a name, that any of it had a name.

_This is called holding hands_ , he had told him. Poe squeezed Finn’s hand now.

He looked at Finn, whose eyes held his gaze far more captive than any Cliffside ocean view on any planet ever could. _This is called falling in love,_ he told himself now, as though he’d never known what it was before. He breathed in the salty air and squeezed Finn’s hand, terrified of what he was about to do. He leaned his head, just slightly, a few inches from Finn’s ear. His heart galloped. “I’m all in, too,” he said.

Finn smiled in a brief second before closing his eyes and kissing Poe, and Poe kissed him back. It wasn’t breathless or hungry or desperate, but gentle and certain and patient and Poe didn’t feel terrified anymore, and his heart calmed to a steady pace.

When they separated, Poe rested his forehead against Finn’s while a breeze sent and chill down his spine, and he wrapped his arms around Finn and held him close.

* * *

[the end]


End file.
